January 12, 2010

Tuesday

HELPING A NEWCOMER

There was a new guy at the SAA meeting last night. Well, 3 new people, really. The room was packed.

But this one guy approached me at the end as people were talking and leaving. He said that he doesn’t know what my face looked like before but it certainly seems like I am happy, peaceful, serene, etc. I was happy to hear that!

Then he started asking questions about meetings. He was looking to me for guidance a little bit. I was not afraid of him; I was happy to talk to him and spread the knowledge and wisdom I’ve learned so far.

ASKING FOR A SPONSOR

I emailed Sophia and asked her if she’d be willing to be my sponsor. It was a little funny to me, because it felt like I was a 6th grader, trying to ask someone to be my valentine or to go to the school dance with me. Ha!

MELLOW YELLOW

I had a hard time going into Victoria’s Secret and also Spencer’s. Lots of sex themes in there. Even a t-shirt that says, “Love makes me high.” I have these thoughts: I’m only worthy of love if I’m sexual. If I don’t look like a Victoria’s Secret model, then I feel ashamed and not worthy of love.

I feel ashamed of who I was, in the past. I also feel sad and suicidal, but I think the anti-depressant pills mellow me out. So it’s like, “I’m just sad, dude” and with a mellow suicidal state. Gnarly. Radical. DUUUUUUDE.

I also feel dizzy. Not in my body, so I’m still me, but a “mellow me“? Mellow sadness, mellow suicidal thoughts, mellow chillin’, dude.

Trippy? Meh. Not quite.

I miss being held. I am sad.

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