January 13, 2010

TESTED FOR STDs—ONE RESULT

I was really ashamed in November ’09, when I found out I have one STD—Herpes one (aka: “cold sore”). It was a reminder that there are consequences to my actions. It gives me the impression that I am a slut and not worthy of love, and I’m a bad person. It shattered my fantasy where I pretended to be an innocent young person who is without a care in the world. But now, every time I have sex in the future, I’ll have to go through the shameful process of disclosing that I have Herpes 1. I feel pretty bad about it. I’m not sure where I picked up the STD. But if it really is a cold sore, then I have reason to believe I picked it up from my mom in middle school. [Note: I wrote that last sentence because I remember having a sore on my lip that is similar cold sore, when I was in middle school (before I ever kissed a boy), and I remember my mom sometimes having something similar.]

PERHAPS THERE ARE ALTERNATIVE REASONS FOR THESE ASPERGER’S “SYMPTOMS”

I’d like to get a 2nd or 3rd opinion on if I have Asperger’s Syndrome or not. I think my previous psychologist believed I did, because of the trouble I’m having at work. But in my opinion, there are other reasons why I struggle at work:

  1. Atlas Shrugged [this book was very influential to me at this time.]
  2. Distrust in authority figures/bosses?
  3. My training from college [conflicting with what appears to be desired at my job, even though the job title shares the same name as my college degree.]

Atlas Shrugged, a book written in the 1950s by Ayn Rand, changed my work ethic. I realized I’d been neglecting the excellent training in my field by the university where I got my degree. I tried to push for better designs and better ideas, but it clashed with the way the company is run.

[Note: Another trigger besides this book, was seeing a few trade magazines that I used to look at in college. It was a small “slap in the face” and wake-up call to the fact that I was producing work that would be considered absolute crap, at the university. I felt ashamed and I wanted to improve.]

I’m not sure if I have distrust for authority figures or not, because I respect some—especially those who use rational and logical reasoning and thinking—but I don’t respect authority that I feel didn’t do the work to earn their position.

I certainly deal with trust issues, but I believe it’s because of abuse and molesting in childhood, and from being hurt throughout my 20s; I distrust family members because of how they’ve treated me—not because of any type of autism like Asperger’s.

A GROWING DISTRUST IN PSYCHOLOGIST

I started to distrust my psychologist in late summer 2009, when she mentioned that sometimes she has trouble understanding me. I’d been seeing her weekly since March, so it was surprising to hear that, after all that time.

That distrust began to grow when she brought up Asperger’s and my initial reaction was that Asperger’s had nothing to do with me.

Yet I felt guilty for distrusting her—after all, she was supposed to be the expert, and therapy is only possible if I trust her. So I ignored my feelings and tried to make connections between Asperger’s and my life.

I had a great sense, also, that she had little experience about sex addiction. It seemed as though she brushed it off and put that addiction in the same “joke category” as addiction to chocolate or addiction to shoe strings or nail polish.

At least she knew enough to send me to SAA, but I could tell that she doesn’t know what it’s like to be an addict and doesn’t realize what a shock to my system beginning recovery was like. It is the cause of my anxiety and depression. [Note: My shame surrounding this addiction stuff was the reason why I had such trouble looking her in the eyes, which she likely misinterpreted as an Asperger’s symptom.]

I believe that shyness in childhood is because of being molested; not because of Asperger’s.

At least she encouraged me to get on anti-depressant pills.

It bothered me that she thought “codependency” was a buzz-word and didn’t take it seriously. I could also tell that she thought Love Addiction wasn’t a real addiction, too.

All this caused my trust to fall. She was looking for reasons why I was having trouble in life and instead of looking at my addictive type of personality, she went to Asperger’s, which, to me, is completely off the mark.

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