This is the memory that brought tears to my eyes at last night’s meeting:
Spiritually, I haven’t done much. Normally, I like taking a walk on the sidewalk across the street. I guess it’s called a park, but it’s not like the parks I grew up with in the midwest. Here [southwest], it’s just a sidewalk that surrounds a medium-sized grassy area, with a few trees and a small children’s play area.
I like connecting with nature. But sometimes night time scares me. In fact, that is what made me cry at last night’s meeting—the reason I moved from the midwest to the southwest was because I was terrified of the snow, cold, and night time darkness, because those were the conditions where I had a few bad sexual encounters.
One was almost rape-ish, but he didn’t beat me up or anything; I was just terrified and I was thinking about running outside naked all the way home, to escape.
But I just faked the sex, and faked feeling that I was really into it and that I really wanted it, just to protect myself. I was afraid that he’d hurt me if I resisted.
And since then, I’ve had dreams/nightmares where my life is in danger, and I have sex with a guy in order to save my life and protect myself. I have those dreams to this day. And I just now put the two together, as I was typing this email to my sponsor, Sophia. Now I know where those dreams are coming from! That makes me happy to realize this.
INCIDENT AT THE BAR, 2002
The other night time incident was when I was applying to be an exotic dancer. I didn’t realize that kind of dancing was bad, or would be harmful to me. The manager touched me in places where he shouldn’t, as I danced in front of him.
My mind froze—maybe somewhere buried in my subconsciousness, I remembered being touched in the same spot when I was about 4 or 5 and maybe again by the babysitter when I was 7, and again by the boy who lived up the street when we were about 10 or so.
I went back to dance a second night for try-outs, but I listened to my intuition this time, and I told them I was no longer interested. I think it was in the fall or winter. At night. Very cold.
PHYSICAL BODY UPDATE
- Started anti-depressant pills January 9, 2010
- Broken sleep for at least 6 months, even after getting a new mattress—hard to get to sleep because of racing thoughts, regrets, conversations
- I feel mellow with emotions (not as extreme)
- “Out of body” feeling, as if I’m looking through someone else’s eyes with someone else’s body—happens especially while driving at night. Maybe I’m just tired?