January 15, 2010

This is the memory that brought tears to my eyes at last night’s meeting:

Spiritually, I haven’t done much. Normally, I like taking a walk on the sidewalk across the street. I guess it’s called a park, but it’s not like the parks I grew up with in the midwest. Here [southwest], it’s just a sidewalk that surrounds a medium-sized grassy area, with a few trees and a small children’s play area.

I like connecting with nature. But sometimes night time scares me. In fact, that is what made me cry at last night’s meeting—the reason I moved from the midwest to the southwest was because I was terrified of the snow, cold, and night time darkness, because those were the conditions where I had a few bad sexual encounters.

One was almost rape-ish, but he didn’t beat me up or anything; I was just terrified and I was thinking about running outside naked all the way home, to escape.

But I just faked the sex, and faked feeling that I was really into it and that I really wanted it, just to protect myself. I was afraid that he’d hurt me if I resisted.

And since then, I’ve had dreams/nightmares where my life is in danger, and I have sex with a guy in order to save my life and protect myself. I have those dreams to this day. And I just now put the two together, as I was typing this email to my sponsor, Sophia. Now I know where those dreams are coming from! That makes me happy to realize this.


The other night time incident was when I was applying to be an exotic dancer. I didn’t realize that kind of dancing was bad, or would be harmful to me. The manager touched me in places where he shouldn’t, as I danced in front of him.

My mind froze—maybe somewhere buried in my subconsciousness, I remembered being touched in the same spot when I was about 4 or 5 and maybe again by the babysitter when I was 7, and again by the boy who lived up the street when we were about 10 or so.

I went back to dance a second night for try-outs, but I listened to my intuition this time, and I told them I was no longer interested. I think it was in the fall or winter. At night. Very cold.


  • Started anti-depressant pills January 9, 2010
  • Broken sleep for at least 6 months, even after getting a new mattress—hard to get to sleep because of racing thoughts, regrets, conversations
  • I feel mellow with emotions (not as extreme)
  • “Out of body” feeling, as if I’m looking through someone else’s eyes with someone else’s body—happens especially while driving at night. Maybe I’m just tired?

One thought on “January 15, 2010

  1. Pingback: May 14, 2010 | The Miracle Mud Bath of Life

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