January 21, 2010

I read my journal entry about the COSA meeting to the Wednesday night SAA group. [I’m referring to the part where the guy next door from SAA saw me going to COSA and said, “Are you going to complain about yourself?”]

They had good feedback and were thankful to hear it. They also say I’m really working the program! Although at times, it feels like I’m slacking. But it’s good to hear others recognize that I’m doing good things.

MAYBE FANTASIES ARE THE PROBLEM?

After reading that journal entry aloud, and after reading the article about Addiction to Fantasy, I am starting to believe that sexual fantasy is my main bottom line behavior in SAA. That, mixed with cyber sex = uncontrollable urge to have sex. The fantasy builds. It is SO strong, especially in Oct/Sept ’09 that I had to go out and have sex—with anyone who was wiling. I feel slight shame, but more relief and happiness that I’ve finally realized this about the fantasy.

Ok, so… sexual fantasy is like the ultimate bottom line. Gotta watch the middle circle behaviors that lead me there. ONE BOTTOM LINE TO RULE THEM ALL… AND IN THE DARKNESS… BIND THEM! Muhahahahhahahahaa!

The sexual fantasies and thoughts in my mind have been powerful. In September 2009, it became so powerful and strong that I felt helpless and powerless against seeking out real sex in person. I’d dabbled in cybersex a few times over my life, but it really took off in last August and especially mid-September.

By the end of September, I was totally immersed in sex online and web cam shows. My desire was uncontrollable. I finally had sex with four people. I did sexual acts to/with 2 other guys and the only thing stopping us from having sex was because I was on my period at the time. I also tried to meet others in person, but the situation didn’t work out.

Each time, my fantasy was ruined when I met these guys in person, but I did it anyway then, because I feared anger and violence if I didn’t give them what I said I’d give them—sex. I just assumed they’d rape me or something. So, like my dreams, I pretended that I wanted it (I even convinced myself!) in order to protect my life and safety. I was not seeing reality at all….

RESTLESSNESS

I feel restless in my office, even though it’s rainy and dreary outside. I wish I could still be outside. Working and playing in the rain sounds like fun. Maybe I just need to go exercise. I seem to have a lot of energy, today.

NERVOUS ABOUT ATTENTION, FEARFUL OF OTHERS’ JEALOUSY AND ANGER

At the Wednesday night SAA meeting (last night), afterwards, the one guy who I did practice phone calls with, asked if it’s difficult for me to take compliments. Did he ask because he noticed my behavior? Or was he asking because he had trouble with it, in his own past?

Either way, I guess the answer is Yes, for me. I get nervous when attention is placed on me in a positive way—others might get angry and jealous. Is this a result of how my younger sister viewed me?

I feel like lots of people have had jealous anger at me in the past—or I’ve felt it a lot, at least. I’m never sure who… it’s just a nervous paranoid feeling that I have sometimes when focus and attention is on me. So I’m quick to dismiss the compliments or attention, to avoid anger.

Look! “Avoid anger.” There it is, again! That seems to be a common theme and problem—I am terrified of others’ anger/rage, so I adjust my behavior in various ways, to protect myself. If they’re male, I act sexual. If they’re female, I give praise and compliments. These methods have protected me from others’ anger?

I’m sure this goes back to my childhood. I think my parents (esp. dad) had a problem with expressing anger in a negative way.

I’m not sure how to not be scared of others’ anger, anymore.

BUILDING HOPE, WITH COSA AND SAA

COSA helped me realize that I am hurt by my ex-husband’s attitude towards sex in our 2-year marriage. I used to blame myself, and he also blamed me for our sexual problems. SAA has already given me hope for recovery and therapy is helping to build that hope.

I believe I can heal both from my addictive behavior and from codependency of others’ addictions.

TIPS FOR HEALING

  • Make friends
  • Help others who are going through some troubles
  • Live a healthy life and have happiness

AFFIRMATION

“I am intelligent.” —to counter thoughts that I’m stupid.

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