January 23, 2013

I got a phone call from a guy named Brian. He lives about 30-40 minutes west of me, I think. I met him online in September and October and he masturbated on the web cam while I watched, multiple times. I thought he was very attractive (27 or 28 years old) and I thought it was hot to watch him. We almost met in person, but it seemed to risky because he had a wife or girlfriend. It was only a week or two later that I started SAA, October 9, 2009.

He called because he hadn’t seen me online or heard from me in a while. He said he was just wondering how I’m doing. I’d forgotten that I’d given him my phone number! I had to have him remind me who he was, because I initially thought he was from the Sunday night SAA meeting. It was kind of awkward because we weren’t really much of friends before, and we had only talked for a week or two before I stopped all sexual activity online.

But I am really happy and proud of myself right now because I was up-front and honest about how I am still in recovery for sex addiction and I’m no longer doing sexual activity online. I told him this, because I suspected that he was looking for sexual activity and that would be why he called. I said that I’d be happy to keep talking in the future, just as long as he knows that there will be nothing sexual between us. I think he was slightly sad, or at least he sounded just barely disappointed.

So it’s possible that he was looking for sexual action. I’m thankful now that we never had sex in person and thankful that I’m off the web cam and out of the chat rooms.

I think it was amazing that I was able to stand up for myself and be honest. In the past, I surely would have neglected myself and just agreed to meet him (online or in person) and just do whatever he wanted, or what I thought he wanted.

I’m glad he called, because I have a chance to see how far I’ve come and the amazing growth in the ability to take care of myself, now.

—-

[Note: This journal entry reminds me of something that I’d like to share, now. In September and October 2009, I had a profile on an “adult” website where people could find others for sexual activity, online or in person.

I had been talking to one couple (male and female) and possibly interested in setting up a meeting in person. After I started going to SAA and began reading self-help books on sexual abuse, I got back on that website to politely inform them that I would no longer be available. I hesitated telling them the reason why, but then I decided to tell them the honest truth: I feared that I might be a sex addict and now I am in therapy and going to Sex Addict Anonymous meetings, and getting help for childhood sexual abuse issues.

I’m not sure what exactly happened next in her mind, but the female of the couple appeared to “completely freak out.” I don’t think she believed me. I think that she thought I was lying, to try and make fun of her. She wrote me a very angry response and said that she was going to contact everyone in my “friends list” on that website, telling them that I am a liar and a fake. She was calling me a “fake,” meaning that I was someone who initially showed interest in meeting, and then later backed out of meeting.

I felt bad for backing out, but I really felt that my recovery was more important than following through with sex, especially when we’d only chatted briefly online a few times in the first place. No officially “meetings” had really been arranged. I decided, though, that I wouldn’t give in to guilt trips for sex with strangers.

I later picked up the idea that perhaps I was inadvertently a trigger for her own sexual abuse as a child, and that threatened her reality so much that she exploded in anger at me. Perhaps I subconsciously reminded her of some very uncomfortable and hidden feelings.

I’ve also read in some self-help books that sometimes the people around the addict become very angry when the addict seeks help and begins to change. For example, an alcoholic’s drinking buddies at the bar/pub might get angry at the alcoholic for attending AA meetings, saying he was “much more fun and more interesting, before all of this ‘AA crap.'” They might then see the addict as unpredictable and unreliable, because even though the addiction situation was harmful, it created a “safe” and predictable environment. Therapy is unpredictable. Change is scary. It also shines a spotlight, or holds up a mirror, to problems that others around the addict might not be ready to face, in themselves.]

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