January 26, 2010

Attended a lecture on Love Addiction/Avoidance.

Matt, my ex-husband:

  • Maybe love addict
  • had an alcoholic mother
  • I became the love avoidant / care-taker

I created intensity outside the relationship when I found KL. Then I switched roles and became a love addict, denying that KL wasn’t the night in shining armor that I thought he was.

Him dumping me (especially the 2nd time) broke my denial. Then I latched onto Kevin, who actually seriously told me that he was going to “focus on taking care of me” and put his energy into that. I believed that he could make up for the lost childhood love.

I was the love addict and he was the love avoidant. My neediness eventually broke him down. He abandoned me by distancing himself. Then I desperately looked for love elsewhere—sexually—online and in person.

I became a love avoidant and put up a “wall of seduction” to attract guys. I had one-night stands, abandoning guys when they wanted to see me again, or get to know me more. I even told some of them that I loved them, right after giving them a web cam show or cyber sex. I didn’t love them, really—I just liked the sound of the words. I hid who I really was, and disappeared from their virtual lives just as quickly as I had appeared.

I finally found someone to cling to—Adam. I switched to a love addict. Maybe he was a love avoidant, or maybe it was just because he had a girlfriend already—either way, his heart was taken and he was emotionally unavailable.

For now, I’m staying away from relationships and sex until I heal.

Book to read: “Women Who Love Too Much,” by Robin Norwood.

ANGER

So pissed.

Angry.

I hate work.

…I’ll play the piano.

SPEAKING IN WORDS OF MUSIC

I had a conversation with my piano just now.

Yes, you read correctly. A conversation.

But not with words. With music. And the piano came to live—just like a character named Anie that I created for role-playing in World of Warcraft. Anie eventually had a mind of her own. She made her own decisions and I, the author, was just along for the ride. Believe me—I enjoyed every moment of it.

Tonight was the first time the piano came to life. It was as if it chose the songs—it moved my fingers on the keys. It felt the emotions from inside my soul. I watched as my fingers seemed to have a mind of their own. Like watching Anie, I was just along for the ride.

It fascinated me. I didn’t realize until now that music—like writing—can create.

I think there’s even a Twilight Zone episode on the topic of characters coming to life, once written by the author. [A World Of His Own]

I will let my fingers take over. The piano can play me.

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