January 27, 2010

I just took a test online called the “Partner Sexuality Survey,” hoping it could help me figure out if Matt, my ex-husband, was a sex addict.

Results: Interestingly enough, the results show his behavior affected me, instead of telling about him.

Very strong impact:

  • Feelings of victimization (feeling betrayed; emotional trauma)
  • Sexual anorexia/aversion

Strong impact:

  • Intimacy impairment
  • Shame
  • Sexual Dysfunction
  • Body image issues
  • Obligatory sex
  • Compulsive sex

Moderate Impact:

  • Fear
  • Anger/Revenge

Today’s Horoscope: In the middle of a philosophical breakthrough, bitches!!!

FINANCIAL SLAVERY: FEELING TRAPPED

Being “on my own” financially has been very important to me. Throughout my childhood, I depended on my dad for money. But once we started having problems in the relationship, I was still forced to stay in the abusive situation and remain in contact with him, for financial reasons. I needed the money and was not able to live on my own. I could not have afforded college, so I needed the money, even though I fucking hated him.

Again, I find myself in a similar situation. I am a slave to my enemies at my job. I have to stay here for financial reasons. There’s not a job in the world that would start me at $40k/year. Well, unless I get a Ph.D. in something. I’m not really interested in anything in the career tests, though. All of it seems dull and boring to me. Biology was mildly interesting, but I do not want to dissect animals or do animal testing. Besdies, I have no idea how I’d ever afford college again. I’d have to mooch off the government and set myself up for half a million dollars in loans. [Note: Actually, I researched this in 2011 and found that I was ineligible for government assistance due to the fact that I already had a degree.]

All for what? So I can jump in a different career and be face with the same corporate culture bullshit? I might as well stay here, right? This company goes against my morals and high work ethic. But I do it for money. A fucking slave. To money. This kind of life isn’t worth it.

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