January 28, 2010

I had a little boost in self-esteem just now. I’m not sure how reliable and trustworthy the free online I.Q. tests are, but the one I took placed me at 140 I.Q., which is on the exact border of “very superior intelligence” and “near genius.”

There is another webpage that further breaks down the scores, that places 140 score at the “highly gifted” stage. I wish I could find other smart people like me. That is not to sound cocky. I just miss intelligent conversation.

Maybe that explains why I’m so bored at work and why I like my mind to be engaged when I do outer circle activities (Examples: Sudoku, emotional piano playing).

I wish I could find a career that was exciting and not boring, where I could use my mind, but didn’t have to stare at a computer all day long, or put up with fucking retarded upper management and corporate culture.

Also, as far as comedy goes, I prefer intelligent humor, as opposed to slap-stick sit-com jokes about lack of sex with the wife, or jokes about drinking beer on the weekends. I used to laugh at those, but not anymore.  [Although slap-stick in Star Trek is still a good laugh!] I don’t even like Jeff Dunham anymore, because his jokes just don’t seem all that intelligent. He plays on sex too much. That’s just not my thing, anymore.

…I’m changing. The things I used to like no longer interest me. I feel like I’m evolving from being a child. I’m growing up.

LOL! Speaking of jokes, I just found a good one:

Q: What do you call a fly with its wings pulled off?

A: A fly with the wings pulled off.
B: A walk.
C: A down-to-earth fly.

(lol! I love the “C” answer).

ANOTHER I.Q. TEST

I took another test, just to have another result. It put me at 132! So, slightly lower.

I’d be in the “gifted” range.

I think it’s best to remain humble about this and not brag or try to make me out to be smart than I am. After all, if I really am damn smart, then I don’t need to tell that to anyone. They can just see it in my actions and words and writing. Besides, I like teaching and showing others through what I do, not what I say. Actions speak louder than words, anyway.

FINDING TIME TO HEAL

Someone just brought up the question of, When does one find time to work on one’s program?

For me, I “work” on it every time I think. Other times, I take a well-deserved break and turn my mind off from the “work.” But it’s not like a school/work project. We live it.

Every time we drive to work, or take the dog for a walk, or eat dinner, we can think about the program and issues while we do it. Multi-task! We don’t have to have 100% of our mind on eating, haha!

DOES ANYONE NOTICE ME?

I often think no one will miss me if I’m gone. I forget that sometimes I can make a difference. I also forget that others can look up to me, like my younger sister. I forget that it’s ok to email my sponsor each day, like she wants me to—I have to remind myself that I’m not annoying her, by checking in. I’m not bothering her.

ONE BIG TRAUMATIC EVENT vs. MULTIPLE “LITTLE” TRAUMAS

“The” trauma—sometimes it’s lots of little traumas or it happens early in the womb or from 1-5 years old, when our memories are forming.

RECURRING NIGHTMARES OF DINOSAURS

I like to attach meaning to things and dreams are certainly no exception. One of the scariest recurring dreams over the past 10 years has been dreams of dinosaurs, specifically a T-Rex most of the time, but sometimes Velociraptors. In my waking life, I think dinos are cool as part of the history of the world, but in my dreams, they are terrifying and dangerous.

I think they mostly represent how I view my dad, but I’m sure they represent much more, too, though I’m not sure what. Most of the dreams take place at the house where I grew up in the midwest U.S. The dinos—especially the T-Rex—were mostly an unseen terror, lurking in the shadows of the night time. In some dreams, I’d run from them to save my life. Most dreams, I walk around carefully, trying to escape the location without being detected by the dinos.

Over the past two years, the dinos have grown weaker in my dreams. Several years after the dino dreams began, some dinos were even found sick or dead. Once, I killed one, with the help of another person.

In last night’s dream, the old door to my childhood bedroom was closed as I was approaching it from the hallway. The next room down the hall was also closed. I thought dinos were inside and I had to be careful, or else they’d kill me. But then it came to my attention that the dinos were no longer there. The door to my room opened and it was empty of dinos. The threat was no longer there and I could relax for the first time.

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One thought on “January 28, 2010

  1. Pingback: March 2010 (letter to deceased family member) | The Miracle Mud Bath of Life

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