RESETTING MY LIFE
The last time I had my car fixed was just yesterday. When I got it back, I needed to reset the clock and radio stations. The car battery had probably been restarted or reset. I set the first station to NPR. I knew I liked that one.
I casually browsed through other stations, recognizing 3 of them as stations I’d set in the past and enjoyed. I set a northern Mexican music station for fun.
Then I found a station to which I found that I really enjoyed the music. The station is classic rock and I didn’t even know this station existed, until now, when I was forced to reset everything.
Sometimes I guess I need “resets” in real life—events that happen and cause me to take another look at my life and see what’s out there. I can get a new perspective—a fresh perspective—and I might just find something good… that I did not expect or know was there. But maybe I just needed a little jolt to get me to look.
SAA was like a “life reset.” I’m still taking recovery very seriously. I want to do this. I’ll do anything to be healthy.
I’m glad, after all, that I didn’t take or get the part-time job at the in-home caregiver place. Caring for the elderly might have even strengthened my dysfunctional desire to take care of others, control others, take over their lives and problems. I’m going to apply for other graphic design positions. I feel like my self-esteem is up to a good place and I feel that I’m up to the “job market challenge.”
MAYBE A PSYCHIC CAN HELP EXPLAIN WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON IN MY LIFE?
I talked to a psychic this afternoon. I’m really glad I did. I believe she said a lot of important things.
She said that there is a keeper of information. Could this be “Michael” that Kari [past friend] said was with me? The keeper showed her a small, leather-bound book. The book was opened and then she saw a recent past life. Europe, in the Czech Republic area. My family traveled a lot. Dad might have been a tinkerer. This fits with what Kari said about me being a gypsy in a past life.
She mentioned that it was kind of a rough life, and it taught resilience to my soul. The Keeper who showed the book to her had been a sibling in this family.
The Keeper flipped the book’s page and showed her a very early life of mine. I was female in that life. It seems that I had a whole bunch of female lives, then a whole bunch of male lives. Now I’m back to female again. This would explain why I sometimes feel like being female feels so odd to me: I have a lot of male energy leftover. But now I need to go back to being female again, to remember what it’s like.
In the earlier life, it was closer to Russia, where there was plenty of snow. She says my soul is drawn to colder weather and seems to prefer the European lands, particularly more rural areas.
My soul had taken a leave of absence, so to speak, and was disconnected for a few lifetimes. Now I am starting to rebuild connections and get back together with the souls I’ve hung out with in past lives.
In the earlier life, it was probably around the 1100s A.D. I was female, with younger brothers. My mom was not in the picture, so I acted as the “replacement mom” and helped to take care of the family, and I worked at my dad’s shop. My dad was the love of my life and we had a great relationship. His shop sold items and goods—not food, but more leather and fur things, and some glass items. It was part of a larger village.
Side note: lol, how strange that I’m writing in English!
Sometimes bad men would come and raid the village. During most of these times, we could see them coming, or my dad could, at least. He would send me out into the forest. The trees were safe. Maybe he’d tell me to pick mushrooms. He knew that it would be dangerous for me to stay during raids, especially as I grew closer to being an adult.
When I was around 19 or so, an unexpected, surprise raid happened. They killed my dad—probably in front of me—and then did horrible multiple sexual things to me. My body survived but my soul was traumatized. As a result, soon after, I died. I gave up the fight to live, because it was too painful. My soul hasn’t been able to heal until now. In this current life, I’m doing the healing. I’m glad I know this. It makes me want to heal even more I will never give up. I will heal!
She mentioned that I might already have met my past father from that life, currently in this life. She says I will/would know and feel a connection instantly. I felt “connections” to all sorts of guys, though.
So it’s difficult to tell who he’d be. She said he’ll have the urge to take care of me. I might not necessarily end up with him as a partner, though. He could be one of my teachers in school or college.
If he was only in my life for a short time, then that’s sad to have him gone.
I hope to find my gypsy friends, or the souls I’ve known in the past. I really do want to reconnect with them. Perhaps they are some of the people in SAA?
DIFFICULTIES WITH SEXUAL ENERGY
The psychic reader said that in this life, I’m having trouble with sexual energy. The fear of men is still carried over from that traumatic incident, so long ago. I won’t give up, though. Not like I did, or had to, before. I’ll live. And I will heal.
She said that our souls have to play all the roles. And sometimes in past lives, I was the abuser. But that karma has played out, and is not affecting my current life.
I WUV TWEES
Trees are safe. Forests offer protection. Maybe that is why I’m finding spirituality now in nature and in certain trees.
LEARNING TO HEAL
I feel like I now know my purpose in this life and that is: to learn how to heal. The lesson of resilience definitely needed to precede healing, because there were a few times when I’ve felt suicidal. But my soul has an extreme will to survive. Now I’m learning how to heal. The time—if there is such a thing as time—is right.
PENDULUMS, CRYSTALS, AND SAGE. OH MY!
At the New Age store where they had the psychics, I bought a Goldstone gem on a metal string, for use as a pendulum. The sparkles caught my eye. It feels goofy, silly, and humorous. I like a stone with a good sense of humor!
I also bought some sage, for cleansing it. I bought a little stone, that I now keep in my purse, that has the power of the sun in it. Since Leos are connected to the sun, and since I liked the stone anyway, I bought it. I bought the one that “leaped out” from the small, open container, when the employee accidentally bumped it.
I also bought a white stone that fits very nicely in my palm. It purifies negative energy and it just feels good to hold it. I like holding it in my left hand, while I write with my right.
So I’m feeling very good, today. My spirituality feels strengthened.
I took a nap and had a dream of being chased by guys who wanted to rape me. My foot and shoe kept getting caught in the car door when I wanted to shut it and drive away.
I was terrified. I was trying to make it to an SAA meeting, where I knew I’d be safe. I eventually made it and saw my grandmother there—she was a member, now. She was distracted and very sad, trying to deal with her problems for the first time in a long time.
FEELING GOOD AND TAKING CARE OF MYSELF
Today has been a great spiritual day for me. I ended it by buying some healthy food, like grapes, bread, hummus, and I’m drinking chamomile and lavender tea, now. I’m listening to peaceful relaxation music, meant for pre-sleep. I like this stuff. This is my spirituality—not going to a religious church. This is it, right here. I feel great. I like the smell of the tea and of the sage bundle (“smudge stick?”).
I used to think that if I could just find the right guy or help a troubled guy to become “the right guy,” I’d be happy and my life would be perfect.
Now, that thought has changed to: When I take care of myself, nurture myself and love myself, then I am happy and my life is good and healthy for me.
I don’t need a guy to fill the void of feeling unloved. I’m now able to start loving myself. It changes my whole perspective of boyfriends and girlfriends and the purpose of relationships and marriages.
I feel very “alive” this weekend, and no sex was involved. No guys, no drugs, no alcohol, and I ate fairly healthy. I was mostly by myself and wasn’t afraid to be alone.
ANGER AT BIRTH-FATHER; SEEKING OTHER FATHER FIGURE, PERHAPS
When I was 17 and tried to run away from home, I ran to the forest in our backyard. I didn’t keep going. Maybe I thought I’d be safe in the forest. But he found me—my dad took me back inside and beat me up.
Now I wonder if the past is repeating itself. It doesn’t sound as traumatic as the past life so long ago, but it was a major trauma incident in this life. I don’t think I ever forgave my dad for that. I had—and still have—a lot of anger at him and that is one of the major reasons why. The other reasons are small reasons—separate, they had no strength alone, but together those many small reasons ruined the relationship.
Yet I still wish I had a father—a real one, a loving kind one—not abusive and controlling. I hope to find someone who could possibly fill that role for me, if possible. But I know I will be able to find happiness and inner peace without a father figure. Still, it would be nice to have. 🙂
THE BUTTERFLY STRENGTHENS ITS WINGS
I enjoy the hikes with Sophia, my SAA sponsor. It’s beautiful outside and she is a great person to talk to. She said that a butterfly strengthens its wings during the struggle to get out of the cocoon. Without that struggle, the wings would not be strong. People have tried “helping” the butterfly by cutting open the cocoon, but the wings were not strong enough to fly, then.
Nature teaches a great lesson: Overcoming the struggle makes us strong. And, when it comes to growth, it is best to let the individual grow at its own pace—what may seem like good-intentioned helping may in fact be hindering the growing and strengthening process.