February 7, 2010

February 7, 2010


Two nights in a row, now, I had nightmares about my dad. I fear him in the dreams. He is angry. Last night, I played the role of his wife. I was having sex with the pizza delivery guy while dad (who was my husband in this dream) was out. But then he came home.

I was less than one second away from closing the bedroom door and locking it so the pizza guy could escape out the bedroom window. But dad (husband) pushed open the door and saw the guy escaping and I feared he would become physically violent.

He was definitely angry. But what we had [in the marriage] was already dead long ago—we weren’t a healthy relationship couple anymore… not for a long time.

Maybe I was trying to minimize or cover up the fact I’d just cheated sexually with another man, because I started pointing out dad’s (husband’s) flaws, such as how he treated me all those years. I might have morphed back into his daughter, then, in the dream.

We had a teenage son and dad (husband) yelled at him, saying it was his fault. I immediately tried to reverse the damage and I looked him in the eye, held his face, said it was NOT his fault, while crying. His soul seemed drained, though. Like an empty shell, due to the verbal abuse of his dad.

That’s when I really started laying into dad (husband) and accusing him of the verbal and emotional abuse he caused. I said it was because that is what his own dad did to him. But he was in deep denial that anything was wrong with him, even though I could see vast amounts of pain in his eyes and face.


I think one of the ways my dad was able to show love was by financially providing for the family. I think, then, that carried over to me. I feel an urge to take care of others and provide for them. All I ever wanted in return was love, but I was chasing guys who were incapable of love.


I sometimes fear that I am crazy and I am imagining any abuse that happened to me. I worry that one day I’ll find out that I somehow made it up in my head—being molested. I worry, because sometimes it’s so difficult to come up with reasons why my childhood was so bad. I have no reasons. I only have the hate, rage, and anger. I don’t know where it came from.


A lot of the books I read have a ton of info on the problem, and the last one little chapter is about healing.

Why? Is the healing formula really short and simple? Is the long “problem section” required to crack the denial?


Just realized something—I’ve been confusing two things: able to do something vs. having the motivation to do it. In past boyfriends, I incorrectly assumed that since they had no motivation to do something (get a job, get off pill addiction, etc), then that equals not being able to do that thing.

But in reality, every single one of them was completely capable of bettering their lives. It’s just that they lacked the desire and motivation to change. I no longer need to take over the care and upkeep of guys’ lives. They are fully capable of self-care!


I remember listening to them argue downstairs, while I was at the top of the stairs, listening. I think they even mentioned divorce. I took it as my responsibility to keep them together. [Note: They started the divorce procedure about a month or two after I moved out to live in the college dorms. My sister was still living with my dad in the house during this time.]

Books to read: Healing the Shame that Binds You, by John Bradshaw. Ghost in the Bedroom.


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