February 15, 2010

Tuesday, February 15, 2010

STEP ONE: re-written for me.

I admitted that I had a problem with Sex and Love Addiction, and made the decision to reclaim my life, nurture myself, and take care of myself.

I received my first chip, yesterday! It is a 24-hour chip.

[Note: “Chips: in SLAA, the white desire chip, also known as the one-day chip, is a token symbolizing a member’s desire to quit living out a pattern of sex addiction. Carrying the chip is a concrete reminder of the member’s commitment to sobriety. For members who have suffered relapse, taking a one-day chip may represent a renewed commitment to recovery. Chips are also awarded for other periods of time; one week, one month, two months, three months, six months, nine months, one year and multiple years.”]

STEP TWO?

Became willing to accept help from those willing to offer it, including the help of my Higher Self—the part of me that is mature, nurturing, and wise; and to trust in the nurturing energy of nature and the earth.

DREAMS OF ACTING OUT

Last night, I acted out, in a dream with Kevin. I was so close to giving in and having sex with him—he was really pushing for it.

When I woke up, I was scared that it had really happened, and then thankful it was just a dream.

UNANSWERED QUESTIONS: BEING SINGLE

How does a single person meet his/her sexual needs?

FEARS

I fear two things really strongly:

  • rape
  • my dad

They are about equal, in my fear. To me, seeing my dad suddenly show up on my doorstep is the same as being jumped in the park and raped in the bushes. Both are paralyzing fear thoughts. I don’t want to live in fear of these things, anymore.

It’s interesting to hear people talk about liking sex and enjoying it. I don’t ever remember being comfortable or truly, deeply enjoying sex. It always feels forced. Either I force myself or they pressure me to the points where it feels forced. Aaaaaaand that’s why I’m in COSA and in recovery for love addiction!

CURRENT BOTTOM LINE ACTIVITIES

  • no online instant-messages or chat rooms
  • no boyfriends
  • no sex with others
  • no obsessive thinking about others
  • no controlling/manipulating others
  • no forcing myself to have sex when I don’t really want to
  • no fantasy
  • no euphoric recall
  • no initiating contact with guys to whom I’m attracted and no contact with past sexual partners
  • no flirting

This is the first time I’ve ever been alone, in solitude, at 29. I’m finally able to be myself, instead of being swallowed up in a relationship. Opportunity to heal, in my life right now. Females only at work. Lots of time to read, journal, and outer circle. The 12 step groups have improved my listening skills and ability to listen to problems and issues without feeling responsible for that person’s problems.

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