February 15, 2010

February 15, 2010

TRYING TO MAKE SENSE OF THE JOB SITUATION

Here’s what might be going on at work:

My self-esteem was so low that I tried to prove my worth, prove I’m lovable, and prove I’m worthy, through my work.

THE TRIGGER

When I went to a local “design portfolio review” and received negative feedback about the work I’d been doing at my job, it greatly affected my sense of self. Since I had no self-love or self-respect, I sought to get those things from outside sources—I sought the approval of fellow designers.

WANTING TO IMPROVE

So I set about finding ways to be a better designer; which—in my mind—meant that I’d finally prove myself to be worthy of love and respect. I looked for ways to improve at work, but unfortunately, my college training conflicted with the design “values” at this job. I felt enraged at the easiest target—Nikki, my boss—and blamed her for holding me back as a designer. I wrote a 6-page complaint about her and turned it in to Human Resources. I was really angry at Nikki, because in my eyes, she was holding me back from being useful, loved, wanted, and needed—not just as a designer, but as a human being. I had no idea that I was capable of loving, nurturing, and respecting myself, and that I don’t need to rely on others for those things.

Nikki promoted Jean to act as a “buffer” between us. Now Jean is over her head with too much work and she doesn’t have the managerial skills to handle the load.

There ARE some problems at this company that could be fixed, but I’ve caused some rough waves, myself. Maybe as my self esteem and self worth grow, I’ll be able to admit mistakes and get better at being honest with myself.

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