February 26, 2010

Saturday, February 26, 2010


I think by obsessing about my old boss Nikki and my new boss Jean, I am somehow replaying some drama from the past. Sometimes Jean reminds me of how controlling and dominant and dictatorial my parents were. I’m not sure how to get over that.

I feel trapped in my job, just like how I felt trapped as a teenager in my room. I feel like I have/had no voice, in both situations. No say. No vote. I do not matter to the others. At least I am beginning to matter to myself, now, but that is a process that takes time.

I wish I didn’t have any bosses or clients or people who could tell me what to do. I feel like I’m not allowed to say No to Jean—just like how I wasn’t allowed to say No to my parents. I rebelled as a teenager and I rebelled at this company as an employee.

The past repeats… but how do I stop the pattern? I know I have to “deal” with my past in my family of origin, but how does that help my current situation? I still have to deal with a control-freak boss, but maybe after dealing with the childhood, I can better accept my bitch boss. I’ll be more at peace with myself.

I’ve been trying to come up with ways or shortcuts to remembering lost childhood memories, but it seems like I’m already doing it the right way—digging up family of origin stuff in therapy. I wish there was a faster way, damn-it!

Maybe I am afraid of this company firing me? That is abandonment. I hate the company, but I still fear them pushing me away—casting me away, calling me crazy, using me as a scapegoat and blaming me for their problems. Exactly like my family.

Is this the Law of Attraction at work? Did I attract this company and this job to me, because of my past? Am I subconsciously trying to replicate the past, in attempts to finally “win” and conquer my parents via the folks at the company?


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