Friday, March 02, 2010
Qualities I do not like in other people: (***highlight the qualities I not only dislike, but hate, loathe and despise).
- fake, pretending to be someone they’re not***
- physical violence, rape
- passive aggressive, instead of directly saying what’s up***
- controlling, dominating, telling others what to do***
- power trips, abusing power***
- laziness (mooching) —like in “Atlas Shrugged” (Ayn Rand)
- rude driving
- rudeness to strangers (especially when the strangers are friendly or didn’t do anything to provoke it)
- neediness, clinging, suffocating the other person***
- not treating children with kindness
- abusing children or animals or the earth
- greedy for money
- addict “slips” in a 12-step program [Note: after I wrote this, then I put an arrow pointing down to the next one, suggesting that demanding perfectionism is a reference to myself]
- people who demand perfectionism
- obnoxious behavior in public
- anger, rage
- dumb people, lack of solid, rational reasoning
- people who complain without doing anything to change
- “poor me” pity party***
- people thinking they’re better than others (condescending, up on a high horse)***
MY SHADOW SIDE (my darker self)
- Fake, pretending to be someone I’m not.
- Passive aggressive, instead of directly communicating.
- Controlling, dominating, telling others what to do.
- Power trips, abusing power.
- Neediness, clingy, suffocating to others.
- “Poor me;” pity-party; victim mentality.
[Note: So what is happening in this exercise is this. I identify the things that annoy me about others and I pay special, close attention to the things I really hate and despise… actions that make my skin crawl and make me want to punch something because someone is doing whatever it is. It is those actions that I have within myself, my darker side. THAT is why I hate it so much when I see other people do this, because I’m seeing something within myself that I hate.
This wasn’t so bad, because I’d been in therapy for a year at this point and I was used to hearing “bad stuff” about myself.
The amazing thing about this exercise is the next step: The Lighter Side of me. I was not prepared to find anything good in myself. But of course we all have light and dark within us.]
Qualities I most admire in others: (***highlight the qualities I especially love and think are totally awesome).
- Very high intelligence, intellectual conversation.*************
- Standing up for what they believe in.***
- Ability to relax, chill, have a good time.
- Quality leadership, with a rational, logical mind; seeing the big picture.***
- Having close friendships, for many years (long-time friends).
- Getting things done, instead of merely daydreaming about things. Action!***
- Healthy, functional, recovered and sane people.
- Honesty and self-honesty.
- Advancements in recovery (SAA, etc)***
I am resisting seeing that I’d have these good qualities within myself. There is a part of me that still doesn’t want to believe that there are good, positive qualities in me. I get emotional and feel like crying when I let myself accept these good and negative shadow qualities. It’s tough, emotionally, but I feel like I’m discovering important things about deeper parts of me.
Qualities I admired in past partners:
- Caring and concerned about me (Kevin)
- Wants to take care of me (KL)
- Humor and friendship (Matt)
- Philosophical (Scottish guy, KL, Kevin, Matt)
- Leadership abilities (KL in Warcraft)***
- Many had one or two close, long-time friends. I really admired that***
- Standing up for what he believes in (Matt… loudly, lol)
Yeah, I’ve denied leadership abilities in myself. I think it’s supposed to come naturally to myself, but I don’t let it. Maybe I fear responsibility and commitment? In the past, it was difficult to take criticism (whether it’s constructive and professional, or personal and bitter), since my self-esteem depended so much on what others thought.
Perhaps I’ve also denied my ability to form lasting friendships? I always seem to find something wrong with them and I leave. Is that my fault of perfectionism? But if they’re unhealthy and dysfunctional, but I’m changing and growing and healing, then I guess it’s normal to slowly fade out friends? That doesn’t seem right, though. I just have a hard time keeping friends. I do enjoy my new friendships with two people at work, though. They seem like healthy people and I accept them, even when we happen to disagree on small things.