March 06, 2010

Tuesday, March 06, 2010

Following my intuition—use a mix of head and heart. I told the organizer of a local Childhood Abuse Survivors group that I’d like to cancel hanging out one-on-one and just hang out in groups. It’s important to me to take all relationships slowly, currently. [Note: It may be somewhat relevant to note, here, that she is a lesbian.]

I thought she’d understand, but in her reply, I could tell she was upset. Truth is, she wasn’t really working on her recovery. We started to build an intensely close friendship and shared personal details. [Note: I had given her my 10-page “First Step” draft that I wrote several months prior, for SAA. It contained intimate details about me and my past, especially including traumas large and small.]

But I need space. Plus, she came off as really needy and clingy. She knows it, too—she told me she can be needy and clingy. She is like how I was—just waiting for someone else to come along and “fix” her, instead of taking initiative towards a better life. She doesn’t yet see that she can provide the nurturing she needs most.

When she emailed me, asking to hang out a second time, my gut told me that she was starting to cling to me and using me to meet her emotional inner child needs. I’m not her care-taker—I won’t do the work for her. I just felt obligated to hang out with her—obligated to take care of her. Just like another recent friend from 2009.

No more. I am no longer attracted to people who aren’t able to take care of their own emotional needs. I only want to be around those who are on the path of healing and are able to nurture themselves, just like I’m doing. I refuse to accept their blame, anger, guilt trips, or any other manipulative emotions to get me to stay with them and take care of them.

I am glad that I stood up and asked for what I needed, or told her of my needs—to just stay in group atmospheres (especially for now). The fact that she suddenly replied that she would quit the Survivors group confirms that she was clinging to me, or starting to. She says she’s been in that group for a long time and has gotten nothing out of it. What she does not realize is that she is responsible for her own recovery. If she gets nothing, it’s because she is putting nothing into it. Plain and simple.

I feel a little sad to lose a friend and a little sad that she wasn’t willing to continue hanging out in groups, but I know I will continue to care for myself, heal, grow, and nurture myself. I am happy with my life. I love myself (finally!) and accept myself. My emotional state is not so dependent on others anymore. I feel peaceful.

5 POSITIVE ATTRIBUTES IN MYSELF

  1. Kindness
  2. Humor
  3. Intelligence
  4. Pretty
  5. Musical

Somehow #4 seems the most difficult [to accept]; and #3, as well.

Inhale acceptance of this attribute.

RESHAPING MYSELF

I am a mother and a father to my inner child. The male and female aspects of me combine, like Yin and Yang. I am whole. Complete. Dark and light. Leo and Scorpio; Sun and Moon. I love. I nurture. I am whole. Shadow—gray scale world. A mix of paint. Love. Peace. Love. Love. Love. I love. I am. I feel the physical connections in my brain. Rewiring. Reworking. Everywhere at once. View the universe. Hug the Milky Way. Hug the sun. Hug the earth. Watch an Earthrise from the moon. Love the earth. Love. Love. Love. I care, for you, my sweet planet.

PURIFYING  AIR POLLUTION

If water can be purified with thought, and beautiful crystals form from Love and Gratitude music, then can air be transformed to? How would that be tested? Well, instruments exist, to test air quality—would that work, like the Doctor’s water crystal experiments? I bet the answer is yes. [Note: Also see the movie, What The Bleep Do We Know?!]

GETTING TO KNOW YOU, GETTING TO KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU

Wow, do I know myself, now! That “shadow work” and also the “anger work” and accepting these things, is working. 🙂

You ain’t seen nothin’, yet!

 

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