March 11, 2010 (contact from dad)

Sunday, March 11, 2010

I wrote a small letter to my mom. Very short. “Take back your shame.” My body is fine the way it is—my private parts are a beautiful part of the female body.

I burned the page and also burned sage to help purify. Towards the end of the burning, I could feel the release. Now I feel better. That weight of shame no longer holds heavy—I accept myself and know that I am a beautiful, spiritual being, proud to be me.

Then I wrote a letter to my boss, Jean, telling her to take back her blame. She is responsible for her thoughts, actions, feelings and words—I am just responsible for me. I burned the page with sage to help purify.

I gathered the ashes of both and buried them under my favorite tree in the park across the street. I asked the tree/nature/universe for healing and for permission to bury. I hugged the tree and thanked it. I feel that this is a great way to release old anger.

Emotions aren’t categorized as positive or negative. Emotions are just emotions. “What makes an emotion negative is the way we deal with it, and the interpretation we give to it.” (Healing Your Emotional Self, by Bev. Engel).

Anger is a good thing. It can let me know that something isn’t quite right and can get me to take action.

I am open to receiving love. It’s ok to receive good things. I deserve good things. 🙂

Getting rid of the old hurt can make room for new, good things.

Observe myself. Observe my emotions. Experience feeling. Acceptance of emotions (not judging).

HOMEWORK FROM THERAPIST

1. Find an intense way to release anger and have a plan to nurture myself afterward.

  • Verbally—->scream in my car with the windows rolled up.

2. Write a list of specific resentments to mother. “I resent you for _______.”

  • church
  • bursting into my room and night and turning on all the lights in the hallways and my room
  • threaten me with dad

CONTACT FROM DAD

I’m SO FUCKING PISSED right now. I feel like crying. So much rage. Bitter. Aggressive. Annoyed as fuck.

I feel attacked… and all my dad did was send me an email asking if I wanted to see/visit with him, since he was going to be visiting the area soon [for business, most likely].

My aunt will never hear from my again. I trusted her with my new fucking email address. She gave it to my dad. I should have known not to trust a [paternal family name] member. Fucking bitch.

It bothers me that he has access to yet another email address. But not anymore. I’ve already made a new address. I will never tell a [paternal family name] member this one.

I fucking hate my dad.

The letter to my mom helped release some anger. Maybe I’ll try one to my dad now. I am almost crying now. So blinded by rage.

I want to throw things, scream, destroy. Rage. Kill. Murder. Destroy.

But instead, I will create a page or writing. Admit my emotions that I try to desperately choke back. All my recovery and healing foundation will keep me strong.

I feel broken-up.

My throat hurts because I am trying to keep the tears back.

I fucking hate admitting that that fucking FUCK of a fucking asshole can still get under my skin.

I want him dead.

I want to hire a fucking hit man to kill him. Then I wouldn’t even attend the funeral.

And he can

FUCKING

ROT IN

FUCKING

HELL.

Ass.

LETTER TO DAD

[Note: These letters are not meant to be sent to the other person. They are letters I can use to express anger as part of a healing process. I didn’t actually send this to him. If you write one, remember that a key part is in taking steps to nurture yourself when it’s over.]

Dear dad,

Hello, asshole fuck. Where the fuck do you get the balls to email me? What gives you the right to intrude upon my privacy? I wish you didn’t exist. Stupid fucking ass. Good for absolutely nothing. You can go fuck yourself and have lunch by your own fucking self.

I want to cut your throat and drain your soul, just like you drained mine. Revenge? You bet. I want you to suffer 100 times  what I’ve suffered. You’ll never force me to do things I don’t want to do, ever again.

Fucking ASSHOLE. Fuck fuck fuck. I HATE YOU! I fucking HATE YOU! Why are you so damn blind to this?

I can’t fucking believe that you’d still email me like this, pretending everything is ok and pretending as if we could fucking pick up like old friends.

Don’t you get it, old man? You are the ENEMY. Not my friend. I refuse to be your friend. EVER.

You can just fucking die and I’ll laugh. Wouldn’t even visit your pathetic grave.

Well ya know what? You’ve been fired long ago. Fired from being my father. You failed, just like mom failed. I can nurture myself now. I love myself. I pay attention to myself. I love the inner child within me. She is special and sacred… you will never harm her. I am protecting myself.

You just always seemed so clueless. Absorbed in yourself or something. I give myself attention and love, now. You had your chance and you lost it. Fuck you.

[Note: As I mentioned before, this was a “healing letter” to vent my anger in my journal. It was only for me, and it was not sent to my dad. I sent a reply that was a very short and simple one-line response; I don’t remember exactly, but I’m pretty sure it was, “No, thank you.” I think that was the first time I’d ever replied to him without yelling at him, either verbally or written. I was proud, this time, that I took the time to think about my response before sending it, and I was able to be polite in the email.]

AFFIRMATIONS

I love myself. I love who I am. I’m proud of my accomplishments. I let my adult self and higher self handle the difficult and confusing situations. I nurture myself and care for myself. I’m spiritual and I love the Earth and the trees. I’m grateful for nature. I’m so happy to be alive. I live my own life and good things comes my way. I deserve good things and I deserve love. I deserve to be around people who respect my needs and boundaries and who like me for who I am.

TAKING CARE OF MYSELF

I like to play the piano and garden and dance and hang out with my pets, Sammy (cat), Strawberry the betta fish, and the little ghost shrimp who is so cute!

I like the smell of sage and I’m thankful for its cleansing properties.

I love music! I’m listening to a fun ska band, now. I’m drinking tea. It tastes so good.

I like to hold the white/clear crystal that takes away negative energy.

I’m grateful to have a sponsor. I’m happy to finally be living my own life. I feel joy so much more than I used to. I’m grateful for recovery and healing. Thankful for healthy friends.

FURTHER REFLECTION

I was really bothered by my dad emailing me. It feels like an invasion of my privacy, a crossing of boundaries. It feels like he just raped me physically and emotionally, yet all he did was ask if I wanted to get together with him. It still angers me that he thinks nothing is wrong—everything would be ok, as if we were old college buddies, getting together for a few beers, catching up on old times.

All the old childhood anger and hurt came up. He still seems completely clueless. That angers me, but I think I have to face reality and the truth that he’s not going to change… that this is the way he is. Maybe he likes living in a fantasy world where he can do what he wants and disrespect others and shit. But I want to have nothing to do with him in this life ever again. I have way too much to heal, to have him dealing new pain in my life now. It has to stop and I’m going to put an end to it now. I won’t be talking to any more [paternal family name] relatives, for the rest of my life, if I can help it. I fucking hate all of them.

Strangely, at the same time, this thing with my dad has been a good and interesting challenge. Now I have developed the tools to nurture myself. I realize now that recovering and healing doesn’t mean that I’ll be happy forever and never feel anger, hurt, or sadness. Recovery just means that I’m able to handle life’s ups and downs in healthier ways.

I’m able to nurture myself better now, when I feel angry or sad. I can remind myself that I’m an adult in charge of my own life. No one controls me unless I let them. I cannot control others, either. If my dad chooses to constantly contact me, I can throw away his letters and put his email address on “ignore.” I have a choice. I can keep doing the things that are right for me. I don’t have to hang around toxic people like my dad and family members, anymore.

I feel like I’m “handling my dad” finally as an adult—or at least trying really damn hard to.

I feel tired today and drained.

LEARNING

“Relationships are opportunities to learn about myself.” (my therapist in 2009 told me this)

I’ve learned that my desire to recover and heal is very strong.

I am committed to myself, and to nurturing and loving myself.

I learned I can keep going forward and I am healing from my past and I will continue to do so.

I learned that I have a choice who I hang around or avoid.

I can still have love for dad as a human being, but keep him out because he has had a negative influence.

3 thoughts on “March 11, 2010 (contact from dad)

  1. Pingback: April 2009 (Conversation with aunt) | The Miracle Mud Bath of Life

  2. Pingback: March 16, 2010 (letter to aunt, to release anger) | The Miracle Mud Bath of Life

  3. Pingback: May 18, 2010 | The Miracle Mud Bath of Life

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