Friday, March 16, 2010
I had a fun time swing dancing last night. I’m glad I went. [Note: I’d found the group on meetup.com.]
LETTER TO RELEASE FEELINGS
(for my purposes only; not to send to the actual person)
I don’t like the fact that you stepped over my boundaries. I communicated my needs about keeping my email private, and when I tried to express my need a second time, you took it as a personal attack, and attacked me in return. It felt as if your inner child was speaking to me, instead of the “adult [aunt’s name].”
If you were in recovery and in the process of healing, I would contact you again. But you said yourself that you are too afraid to heal and do the work necessary. I have no wish to be around people who remain in emotionally unhealthy states. Talking to you is like talking to a child in an adult body, which is how you’ve remained. It’s like stepping on egg shells. Half the time, I don’t understand what you’re talking about (probably because you haven’t taken the time to get to know yourself) and I don’t know how to communicate to you, since you take a lot of things personally.
I understand, though. I used to be there, too. I know what it’s like to have a hurt inner child. I don’t like how you treat yourself—and you refuse to get help and take a hard look at yourself.
As I continue in recovery, I have an easier time spotting “red flags.” I see many red flags in your behavior—they give me clues that you are a dangerous and unhealthy person. One of those red flags was the fact that you purposefully choose not to get fake dentures/teeth. Instead, you somehow justify and rationalize the decision to remain without teeth, barely able to eat. You put yourself in pain on purpose.
I want to get away from self-harming lifestyles. My path in life now is of healing and nurturing, and loving myself. Our paths are growing apart, now. I wish to hang around others who are also on the path of nurturing themselves. Family blood relationships don’t make a difference. You are in charge of your own life. I won’t try to force you to heal. But if you refuse to do the healing work, then I just don’t want to be around such negativity and blame. I would rather be alone, in peaceful solitude.
I chose life. Not just surviving, but thriving.
I thank you for listening to my stories and my pain. It bothered me that would wouldn’t answer some of my questions. You were too afraid to dig into your past, to get the answers about my parents. I kept waiting. Then I realized that you really have no intention of helping me find those answers—it is too painful for you. So I will stop trying. I’ll move on, along the path of healing. And you can stay behind, in your pain. I wash my hands of your misery. Goodbye, [aunt’s name]. End.
TRYING TO UNDERSTAND THE SOURCE OF GUILT
I sometimes feel guilty for not talking to family members, as if I’m a bad person, or something. I view them as toxic and unhealthy people, so it seems right to get away from them. I’m not sure where the guilt comes from. Is it a [paternal family name] family thing? Is it the U.S.A. culture?
I don’t know what it’s like to have a healthy, functional, loving family. To me, the word “family” means: backstabbing, abusive, cruel, toxic, unhealthy, and a forced relationship (esp. in childhood, where I was most vulnerable and helpless). Since I view families this way, it makes sense to stay away from them. So I usually conclude that the guilt is a manipulative control tactic from the [paternal family name]s, so they can keep me in the family and continue their abusive ways on me.
However, there is a part inside me that fears that the reason for the guilt is because I am wrong, and I should have remained in the family. I suppose that is why I need so much encouragement from the support groups. Sometimes I still feel like a “beginner healer” and at times, I lose faith in myself. But maybe it’s good to occasionally question my ways, so I can make appropriate changes as necessary. Or, if I find that what I’m doing is right for me, even after going through doubt, then I imagine that I’ll come out even stronger in my will to heal and grow.
(paused for reflection)
Truth is, I’ve got to do what’s best for me. Solitude has been a great help in self-discovery. Time away from the [paternal family name]s has made me stronger—not by white-knuckling, but rather it is giving me time to finally discover who I am, without their influence. That, right there, is vitally important to me. 🙂
I think the gateway to happiness is passing through a mirror of truth. It’s like the Never-Ending Story movie from the 1980s… the boy saw his true self in the mirror and had to accept it, and pass through it.
My first professional massage is today after work. I scheduled it to help relieve stress and also to experience non-sexual touch (as recommended by a self-help book). I feel nervous and afraid about having a stranger touch my body. I need to go slow. The massage today is fully dressed, upright in a chair, so I think that is a good start. In the past, massages have led to sex. I do not want sex now, so the connection between touch and sex makes me nervous. Hopefully this experience will allow me to see that touch doesn’t always lead to sex. 🙂
DOING WHAT WE LIKE, EVEN IF IT’S DONE ALONE
A coworker told me that her dad loves steak, but her mom hates it. “So,” she explained, “he never gets to go have steak.”
I disagree with that lifestyle. Even though I’m vegetarian, it’s not the food that’s important. What is important here is doing what makes us happy. If eating some great steak is a fun activity for him, then he should get some buddies, or else enjoy a nice solitude night out, eating.
I compare it to swing dancing, for me. If I have a boyfriend who doesn’t like swing dancing, I should go anyway, either alone or with friends. It goes back to “disappearing” in a relationship and losing ourselves. Eating steak or swing dancing are little things that add enjoyment and happiness to our lives. I disagree that we should give it up just because a loved one doesn’t enjoy them. I would find ways to continue doing those things, and hope I can, in future relationships.
I think many of us are afraid to be alone and to do things alone. That is why many people stop doing things that make them happy if no one else is around to share it with. It has been a great joy in my life to tap into myself and becomes comfortable with, and loving towards, myself. I like doing things like swing dancing and I always want to be able to go out and do it without loved ones if they don’t particularly like it.
CHANGING THE FOCUS OF THOUGHTS
I am a sex addict” changes to “I am intelligent, educated, healthy.”
Don’t think about my boss” changes to “Think about love, peace, kindness towards myself.”
Don’t act out. Don’t act out.” changes to “Go do some gardening, play the piano, etc.”
Can vs. Can’t. Either way, you’re right. “
I can’t do this!” recovery changes to “I can do this. I am doing it. Right now.”
I feel so angry, sad, tired, and stressed right now. I can’t stand working at this company, but I still feel trapped—I want the money. I feel so shady and low to write that, but I feel like I need to the money, so I don’t become a homeless person. It seems like those are my only choices—work as a bitch-slave at this company… or die homeless. I don’t see a way out.
I fucking HATE hate hate hate hate fucking kiss my ass fuck-bitch Jean piece of shit idiot brain-dead SCUM BITCH.
I feel like shit. Suicidal thoughts.
So fucking sick of the company.
Had a massage, took off my shirt and laid face-down. [Note: I was pressured to take my shirt off. I caved, under the pressure. The massage lady said that she can’t really do a massage with my shirt on. It was an awkward and uncomfortable experience and I remember feeling partially violated and lied to.] It was 20 minutes. It felt good physically. I had to keep reminding myself that this is good, safe, healthy, non-sexual touch.
I’m exactly on the border between officially healthy weight and over-weight. Makes me feel fat—which I am, I guess. Negative thoughts. I eat food because it makes me feel good… not really for the nutrition. But I’m trying to be healthy. It feels so damn difficult. I feel depressed. I fucking hate my idiot bosses. I wish I could safely leave this company without being homeless. I need to pay the rent.