March 26, 2010

[For reference, see this post: The Dysfunctional Work Family.]

Friday, March 26, 2010

MAKING PLANS TO LOOK FOR A NEW JOB

I’m going for it. I’m ready. It’s time to leave [company where I worked].

I used to think: What looks good in my resume?

Now I feel: What feels good in my heart?

What is truly important to me? Is it really worth it to stay at this miserable job just because of money? I never again want money to have control or power over me… not to stay in an abusive job or situation, at least.

WHAT IS “SOBER?”

If I am single, and if my problem is sexual anorexia, then what is considered “acting out?”

Friday, March 30, 2010

What are the middle circle behaviors that lead to:

What is the “road” I take to “drive” to these destinations?

*All or nothing thinking—having thoughts where the sentences include the words “never” or “always” with feelings of hate and despair. Those thoughts must be stopped and dealt with asap, or it will lead to suicidal thoughts.

I’ll get quicker at catching them in the future. This week, I was only in a suicidal state for 2 days. That is an improvement from the past, where I’d remain in that state for a week or so.

EXERCISE: YOUR EXPECTATIONS OF YOURSELF

Healing Your Emotional Self, Pg. 164

A list of goals or expectations that I have for myself. Put a check mark next to those that are reasonable.

  1. Become a great piano player, to the level where I can be a great teacher. ✓
  2. Be quicker at catching yellow/middle circle thoughts. ✓
  3. Stop eating pizza.
  4. Exercise a few times a week. ✓
  5. Continue healing and recovering. ✓
  6. Make friends who care about me and respect my needs and boundaries. Friends who are healthy people.
  7. Get a dog.
  8. Get a house with lots of land for gardening.

I still doubt that “healthy friends” is something I can get, since I’ve never had a healthy friend. They all have issues and problems—but we all do. It’s just how we handle those problems that makes someone healthy or not.

EXERCISE: OUR BASIC NEEDS (quoted from the same book)

“Take a close look at the following list of basic needs and think about how often you provide them for yourself:

  • Hunger—Give yourself healthy food to eat.
  • Thirst—Give yourself plenty of water, not diet colas or sweet drinks.
  • Sleep—Go to bed at a reasonable time; don’t eat before bed or take any stimulants.
  • Companionship—Don’t allow yourself to stay isolated; reach out when you are lonely.
  • Sex—Provide yourself with healthy outlets for sex, neither depriving nor indulging yourself.
  • Stimulation—Get involved in activities that stimulate your mind, body, and spirit.
  • Spiritual Connection—Satisfy your need for contemplation, gratitude, prayer, ritual, or any other type of spiritual expression you need.

The Connection between Needs and Feelings

One way of discovering what your needs are at any given time is to check in with your feelings. They will tell you what you need if you pay close attention. The following exercise, based on a process by Laurel Mellin in her Solutions Program, will help you make this important connection.”

REFLECTING ON THE ABOVE SECTION FROM THE BOOK

Do I deprive myself of companionship and friendships? I don’t have any long-term friends. The two people at work that I like talking to, have known me for 3-4 years, but I don’t feel like we are especially close.

Do I distance myself from others?

Why? How?

How can I fix?

and how can I get more meaningful relationships in my life?

Is it a trust issue? Issues with abandonment and betrayal, backstabbing?

I like to withhold vital information, so people won’t be able to turn on me and hurt me with personal knowledge of myself.

I’m sure this has its roots in childhood, just like everything else.

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