April 13, 2010

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Today I’m feeling lost and confused. Lack of motivation to work or to look for other work—I feel like it’s just always going to be the same ol’ shit, no matter where I go. I know, I know… I shouldn’t use the word “always.” That’s thinking in absolutes, again. But it sure as fuck seems like friendly bosses and friendly people don’t exist. Everyone seems back-stabbing, with alternate agendas… including myself, unfortunately.

I feel overwhelmed. So much to do… so much healing work that needs to be done.

I’m trying to focus on letting go, and just allowing the world to put me where it knows is best for me.

POSSIBLE JOB?

I just sent an email inquiry about a job as a dueling pianist, that I found on craigslist. I think that would be so much fun and a welcome break from Corporate America. My only problem is that I don’t really know how to play many songs. But the talent and drive are there!

I dream of a job that is relaxed. No more corporate America, where rules are based on egos, rather than what works logically. I dream of laughing and using my humor or love of the earth, in what I do. I dream of a job that somehow positively benefits others, and a mentor/boss figure who is kind and understanding and not controlling. I dream of being outside and growing plants or creating music that others enjoy listening to. Artistic expression of the soul.

ANGRY FOR ABANDONMENT

I still feel fucking pissed at Matt [ex-husband] for putting me under pressure to have sex with him.

I’ve begun to read the book “Forgiveness is a Choice,” by Enright. And a thought crossed my mind: Am I angry at my cat for leaving me? Sometimes people, on an emotional level, get angry at spouses or parents for dying… it feels like betrayal. So my former cat isn’t dead, but she left and didn’t come home one day, presumably because someone is now keeping her as a pet. I can accept that, logically. But emotionally, maybe there is hidden anger somewhere?

I’m on page 26. I’m extremely impressed by how well it’s written. The author uses plain English and not a bunch of psychology jargon. I like the book, so far.

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