Friday, April 15, 2010
It’s over! It’s over! Finally done! The company fired me. “It wasn’t a good fit for me.” It was no news to me, though. I knew I was unhappy there for about 3 years. I just didn’t know where else to go. I still don’t know what to do next, but I’m still putting trust in the world to put me where it’s best for me. I’m excited to move on, although I’m certainly wondering how to pay the rent, when the paychecks from the company run out.
I have feelings I’d like to address now. I don’t want to repress anything. Gotta get it out. It’s strange—I feel so relieved to be out of there. Yet I also feel like crying now. I also feel anger. It’s hard to physically swallow. There is a little shame in having been fired, instead of quitting. I feel angry or sad that upper management never seemed to understand where I was coming from. It’s difficult for me to understand why a company would be so stuck in tradition and not be willing to try new, better things and ways of doing things.
I guess this is a good time to reflect. I’ve matured so much and grown a lot over the past 4 years—especially the past 6 months. I’ve learned a lot about who I am and what I want in life.
The field of Design still confuses me. It’s difficult to know if I should give it another chance or not. It disgusts me now. Or maybe it’s just the job at the company. Are all design jobs so soul-draining? I can’t believe all companies would be run like this. I might just chill and do some temp work and think about design. I found a “creatives group” on meetup.com. They meet next week. Maybe they can shed some light on the situation.
THREE THINGS I’M GRATEFUL FOR (daily exercise)
- At the dueling piano bar tonight, one of the piano players came up and said hi to me. I wasn’t expecting that! [I think he’d noticed that I was cheering and clapping, when maybe the others in the bar were just eating dinner and talking with each other, so he came over to say a quick “hello.”] He was very nice. I mentioned that I was interested in auditioning. He mentioned it to the other player, Sammie, who seemed interested in teaching me how to perform. Then I met another Sam who owns a different set of piano bar clubs. He gave me the advice to really learn about 10 songs to play and sing for this place.
I have a list, now. I plan on learning asap. Plus, they don’t have any females, so I might have an advantage for performing female cover songs. (Still, though, I want them to hire me also because of talent and skill—not only because I’m female). I’m very thankful for this experience. Everyone was friendly—it reminded me that friendly people still exist, and I completely forgot about [place that fired me] for about 5-6 hours. It felt good.
- I’m grateful to be moving on from the company. I mentioned it to my therapist and she called back and offered some comfort: where one door closes, another opens. I’m meant to be somewhere else, now—no longer meant to be at that company. I’m grateful for that struggle to be over and grateful for my therapist’s support today.
- I had a darn good veggie burger today, at the piano bar. The server was nice and gave me free sodas. I gave him a $10 tip, so the bill ended up being $19.80, which is my birth year! That was kinda neat. [Note: In general, I enjoy tipping big, when I can.]
- I’m grateful for the mature way I left the company today. No one made an immature scene. No one freaked out. I’m proud of myself and thankful it was civil.
- I’m very thankful my new cat is here. She’s so cute. Definitely good to be around, after a long day. Fun to watch her play.
Book to read: Toxic Parents.
Adult self and inner child unified to face fears.
Write about why I’m angry; get very specific! Examples!