Thursday, April 15, 2010
Over the past few months, I average about one job application per week. It would be super cool, though, if I could get a job as a dueling pianist/singer.
For the forgiveness stuff, I’m crazy-angry at y boss, but it’s probably best to deal with childhood anger at my dad, first. My therapist wanted to discuss my mom first, but I feel a deeper anger at my dad and I just want to get rid of the anger already.
CONSIDERING FORGIVING DAD, BUT WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I’ll start with my dad, [dad’s name, first and last]. Even writing his damn name makes me feel angry. I feel pretty fucking deeply hurt. I’ll focus on the time when I tried to run away. I ended up back in my room, my dad threw me against the wall, then pinned me down on the ground with my arm behind my back; I was face-down. Specifics: night time, no snow; I was crying. So upset. I wanted out. I think I was 17. [Additional details: My “running away” only lasted about an hour or evening, and I never left the property; I didn’t know where to go, so I just hid in the forest in the back yard, crying. When I came back inside, I had tried to close and lock the door to my bedroom, for privacy and solitude, but he was able to open the door from the other side (can be opened with a thin nail) and he came in. I tried to defend myself, but he was bigger and stronger.]
Who was at fault? Well, nothing excuses his reaction to me running away. Does he have abandonment issues or something? I don’t see how running away is a bad thing—wanting to get away from a shitty situation is a good thing, in my eyes. I do not believe that I deserved any abuse for wanting to escape a shitty home situation. I do not condone, excuse, or pardon his behavior. Adults need to be in control of themselves and not take out anger on children—especially in abusive ways. The only reason I’m even considering forgiving is because there seems to be proof that forgiving can release all this deep rage inside of me. I want him out of my life. Hopefully, forgiving can help him disappear once and for all.
TRYING TO GET A GRIP ON MY ANGER
It’s no secret to me that I fear my own anger. I fear destroying objects and eventually my own self, as a result of allowing myself to express anger.
I sometimes try to suppress my anger, or pretend that it’s not there. I’m afraid of anger. I feel guilty, like I’m a bad person, ashamed to feel any negative emotions. As if, “only good people feel good, positive emotions” and “only bad people feel emotions like anger, hatred, etc.” I push away anger as fast as I can. Try to meditate, breathe, be a good person, loveable, worthy of life and love, by only allowing myself to feel joy. In the end, I feel numb.
My hatred runs so deep. No one, including therapists, have been able to understand why. I wonder why…
“…if you hate someone for no apparent cause, you may want to consider the possibility that you have repressed a traumatic memory and discuss the matter with a qualified therapist.” (pg. 98)
I feel shame at some sexual feelings towards my dad. Disgusted, really. I fucking hate him with every cell in my body and the hate is wearing me down. I wish I knew why I came to hate him so much. It doesn’t even make sense to me. Have I repressed something?
It’s possible that I’ve displaced anger at my parents onto bosses of jobs, including bosses at my current job. They tell me what to do and don’t appear to have solid reasons for what they do, other than “tradition.” It becomes less about progression in the company and doing what is right, and more about how “what is right” is simply decided by who gets to be in authority. It doesn’t matter if it’s truly right—it is about power-tripping and a high feeling of their egos being in control. I consider it abuse. I fucking hate being controlled and it is easy for me to get triggered when someone fores illogical decisions and actions onto me. So when my boss acts inappropriately, I am doubly pissed.
Displacement might be getting in the way of forming intimate relationships with people. Suppression is just flat-out confusing to my core, and it’s uncomfortable.
I rebel against any atmosphere that is even remotely like a “family.” I hate families because I’ve been hurt so badly by my own. But since work atmospheres are, in a way, their own families, I have trouble coping and belonging. As one psychic recently told me, “drama follows me everywhere.”
If Jean was a really good quality boss, then it might make healing easier. She is lacking skills. So it’s difficult for me to sort out what is my problem and responsibility and what is my own childhood triggers, vs what is her shit.
Half the time, I think it’s all in my head, but then other coworkers mention problems with her. I have a hard time seeing reality.
When I wrote the 6-page complaint about my former boss [Nikki] and turned it in to Human Resources, it contained some immature language. In past relationships, I acted childish. I bounced up and down like a little happy child. I took things personally when the other person wasn’t having a good time.
IDENTIFICATION WITH ABUSER
I’m not sure whose behavior I would be imitating, but I overstepped my sister’s personal boundaries when I opened the door and looked in on her when she took showers. It happened at least twice. It was more about power and control—not about sexual attraction. [Note: I think this happened some time between 8 and 11 years old.]