April 2010 (letter to inner child)

April 2010


Dear Little [my first name],

I’d like to get to know you better, and understand you. We’ve already connected with each other and shared love with each other. I like who you are. I’d like to try going a little deeper into myself and I wonder if you can help me figure out some mysteries?

It’s been hard for me to get some specific examples and specific memories. I need them, to better heal and grow. It’s been hard to figure out why I hate my dad so much and maybe mom, too. But mostly dad.

I feel confused and conflicted. What did my dad do? What else besides him physically abusing me when I was a teenager trying to run away?

If you could tell me anything you remember, I would greatly appreciate it because healing this stuff can help us be happier in the long run. We need to get in touch with our feelings. and you can help do that. Please tell me any memories or emotions that you have, especially surrounding our parents and involving fear, anger, betrayal, abandonment and things like that.

❤ Thank you! Let’s talk! ❤ ❤ ❤


—Big [my first name]

RESPONSE FROM INNER CHILD (written with my opposite hand than I usually use to write with)

Dear Big [my first name],

Hello! 🙂

I didn’t like being spanked. It hurt and I tried to bury my feelings.

Numb. I felt that dad took pleasure from it, so I tried hard to have no reaction. Blank face. So he wouldn’t have the pleasure of knowing I was in pain.


  • Long nails could open doors. My parents kept once above the doors in the house. Lack of privacy.
  • Dad looking at me in bed from the hallway, during my phone call, 19 years old, I was barely awake and only later was I aware that I had a bare breast showing.
  • Making me leave the house because of tongue piercing, 19 years old, slept in car that night, then moved into a friend’s house soon after.
  • Walking around in underwear, scratching his balls, all the time (so fucking gross).

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