Friday night, April 22, 2010
I sucked at the audition today.
All that practicing… all that perfecting… out the window.
I forgot half the words of all the songs. I felt like I forgot how to play and what notes to play. Sweat formed on my forehead. My mind went blank. I supposed that I looked good physically, but that doesn’t mean shit. It’s about talent and I wanted it to be about talent—not judged just for my looks.
But… I sucked. The guy says they’re not even hiring at the moment. He’ll be in contact. [Note: I never heard from him again, and I knew it the moment he said he’d be in contact. The craigslist ad was taken down a few days later. I remember that the ad originally said “basic piano playing skills required,” which is what I have. But I know, now, that they were looking for someone they wouldn’t have to train—someone who has all the skills necessary, someone already experienced and extroverted and funny.]
I feel sad. Angry at myself that I didn’t do better. I thought I would be able to blow them away. The owner guy played my songs, or at least a few measures, after me. He was incredible—piano bar style. I can’t even touch his talent level. It’s like showing a rocket ship to a caveman. Cave woman… Whatever.
My voice even sucked. How is that possible? I sang beautifully at home and in the car. I don’t understand how this audition sucked so much. It’s odd. I can only conclude that it was meant to happen. I’m still trying to trust the Earth and not try to control of plan things so much.
I kept staring at the piano. Tried to look up, like he said, but then I fucked up the music. I felt like a 5-year-old playing [which is around the age when I first started playing]. Clumsy. I feel like giving up. I’m sick of struggling.
Should it remain a dream?
And what about design?
And… what the fuck am I going to do for a job?
I feel very confused and lost in my life right now.
Talented people are everywhere. I feel like I have no talent. I’m like a jack of all trades. A mediocre Jack. Master of Not A God Damn Thing.
A piano player [at a dueling piano bar] needs to be multiple instruments:
- drummer (keep the beat going)
- bassist (low notes, not too complex)
- harmony parts (add a couple notes—add connector notes from one chord to the other)