April 23, 2010

Saturday, April 23, 2010


I wonder where I’ll end up. Not knowing is not fun. Is the unknown supposed to be fun? I’m not seeing it, right now. Lost and confused and without purpose doesn’t sound like a very fun or meaningful life.

I hate driving. I fucking hate the people on the road. I can’t stand it when people drive closer than 500 feet or so. Back the fuck off, you bastards!

I’m almost sick of the city life. Way too fucking many people. I feel like I want distance from others. Yet I am lonely as fuck right now, and supposedly the only way to “cure” loneliness is to be with other humans. Yet they disgust me. It’s so difficult to find anyone to whom I can relate. I wish I could find a place to belong… a group of people that, when I’m with them, I have that feeling of belonging. I’ve heard others talk about that feeling. It sounds wonderful. But so far, I just float around like a leaf on the wind. A leaf from some tree that doesn’t even exist.

So lost.

I don’t even know where to begin looking, to find a way out. Maybe I should just stop looking.

I think the dueling piano bar was just a fantasy. Reality is, I need a job now, so I can afford rent and food. I can’t wait around months for me to learn all the songs and techniques needed to play there. It’s just not realistic. I think this is a dream that I need to let go of.

I just don’t know what else to do. I guess just keep floating around aimlessly and without purpose. That seems to be the only thing I can do, for now… Until I find another shitty job like the other company to pay me money. Thus goes the shit-eating cycle. Until I die. Lovely, eh?


There was a psychic at a nearby farmer’s market.


I need to get a job. My interactions with others will help me figure out more about myself. I haven’t really felt much of a connection, to others in dating. My ex-husband liked me, but I wasn’t really into him.

I’ve been going about the soul-searching process int he wrong way! Grrr. 😦 If I’m doing something and it’s exhausting me, then I’m not doing it correctly.

Family member —-> Ill and cannot get better (could be mental or physical) – minor accident?

Coffee shop type of job where I can interact with others.

Take small steps each day towards getting a job. I’m kinda just standing still right now.

Teaching something on the side.

I have HIGH intelligence.

I don’t really like being around lots of people, but I need to be around others so I can get moving and learn about myself.

“Relationships are opportunities to learn about ourselves.”

Meet someone within next year. 5 years of dating, then possible marriage. One kid? lol


So I’m back at the piano bar. I like it here. It’s fun. Even on a Sunday. But there is a part of me that still feels like shit. Like crying. Maybe I can get out of this confusing rut, by not faking it? Maybe fake a goal? Or fake and pretending like I’m not confused… that I actually know what I’m doing… or something. Fuck. I dunno.

But… I kinda like sitting in this bar, writing. It’s fun to have the entertainment. More exciting than a boring, quiet coffee shop.

All day today, whenever I see something on TV or here at the bar that is funny, I laugh. Then immediately, I feel like crying.

Maybe I’m trying to figure out shit that isn’t really important to know? … Does it really matter if I figure out what career to go with? What’s wrong with floating from one min-wage job to another? And… does anyone really give a shit if I figure out who I am, as a person? No one else would. I’m the only one. If it’s just gonna be this damn difficult to figure it out, then what does it really matter anyway?

I might have to go. Keep randomly getting tears in my eyes.


More encouragement from Sammie. I want to play/sing like him. I like the humor that he uses on stage.

I need to be careful now to not put him on a pedestal. He is not a perfect god-like figure. He’s a regular human, just like me.

Today, for the first time, I called him a role model (in my mind). So I want to get away fro idolizing him. Maybe SLAA can help. (Love and Relationship Addiction?)

I am still amazed, even after renewing love for myself, that others would be kind to me, or want to hang out with me. Sammie even referred to me as a friend. It still amazes me. But I think I’m slowly improving. I just need to gently remind myself that I am worthy of friends. If people are nice to me, it’s just because that’s part of who they are—friendly.


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