Thursday, May 6, 2010
I’m basically still living a very isolated life. Hungry for (addicted to?) attention. When I receive it, I feel very good. When I don’t, I get depressed with suicidal fantasies (withdrawal?). Do I still struggle to give myself worth? Even though nearly every day, I tell myself that I love myself. But when another person (especially a guy) enters my life, I feel depressed if I go for a while without attention from him. Why the fuck does that happen? Haven’t I been giving myself butt-loads of attention in the past several months? Maybe I have expectations of getting attention from others, when I shouldn’t. Expect nothing… then I won’t be disappointed when I get nothing.
New book to read: “The Intimacy Factor,” by Pia Mellody.
“Under disempowering abuse, children are shamed either covertly or overtly.”
Covert —-> when neglected or abandoned; parents turn back on kids when they don’t have time to parent them. Kids then believe it’s because of a general deficiency of their own whole being. The message is that the kids are worthless. Role of child = Lost Child.
“These covertly shamed children will lead a life of hiding out. They spend time getting high on fantasy, reading books, going to movies, being alone, being spaced out. They believe that they are inherently defective and start to shut the self down or to “disappear,” themselves. In the place of the real self, they invent a self that is designed to be “good” so as to get the parent’s attention. Their “goodness” often goes under the guise of perfectionism. At the same time that these children are earning their value by being perfect, they are filled with the dread of being worthless. The sense of self is lost and, instead, they become defective souls going through life trying to keep their worthlessness from being discovered by others.”
I don’t think I’ve healed, yet, from being molested. I still feel dirty.
I want to be loved, but it seems like having sex is the only way to get love. I hate sex. I’m so sick of it. I get nothing out of it, except a distant hope that it will make the guy like me more.
I get a false hope; he gets an orgasm. We go on our separate ways and I feel dead inside.
I refuse to have sex. I hate it. I haven’t had sex since last Halloween (Oct 31, 2009), and I never want to have it again if it’s going to be like how it’s been in the past.
I feel so sad and lonely. No friends, no family, no job. It’s always easy to make new friends, but difficult to keep them because I keep getting triggered and hurt from childhood stuff. So I drift away from the friendship. I still struggle with perfectionism—I feel betrayed and sad when new friends don’t live up to my needy standards. Maybe I demand parent-like attention from them. Then I feel a sad void in my heart. Maybe I still need to mourn the loss of what I didn’t receive in childhood? Shit, man, when is this supposed to end?
I went to the piano bar around 6 and Sammie listened to my play in the back room on a keyboard. (Same as the audition with the owner, a few weeks ago). I made mistakes, but I was gentler on myself this time. 🙂
This is such a fascinating experience. Things are in place to help me learn my life lessons, and I’m very happy about that.
I’m still pretty scared, though. Sometimes I still feel lost and I start to question if I’m on the “right path” again.
Sammie suggested voice lessons from Jim, to learn to have more balls when I sing. [Note: “Jim” is another piano player at the same bar.] If Jim teaches me, I’ll be surrounded by teacher/mentor figures!!! And possibly financially fucked. Haha! Maybe I’ll cash in the stocks.
My classical piano teacher is helping me to re-learn how I read and play music. In the past, I memorized the individual notes, one by one. I get carried away, then forget what notes I’m supposed to play, sometimes. That method is unreliable, especially for dueling piano playing style. It is better to think in terms of key signatures, so I’m especially paying attention to re-learning chords and key signatures. And Sammie can teach me “balls” on the piano and let me know if I need to fix something. And Jim could teach me “balls” in my voice! It’s almost like going back to college, except it’s personalized just with the stuff I need. And way cheaper!
I’m still looking for a job. I apply to about one place per day, on average.
JEALOUS, BUT TRYING NOT TO BE
I felt a little wee bit jealous when I saw two separate young women singing along with the band at the dueling piano bar, when they were rehearsing, this afternoon. But I decided to consciously change that reaction and instead feel happy for them—just the balls to get up on stage and sing is a pretty cool accomplishment. I am still shy. So I admire them for doing it.
They one that sung the Alanis Morissette song, You Outta Know, seemed to be lacking the emotion. At least, when I used to sing that song, I felt pissed. I don’t know if that emotion ever came across in karaoke, but it’s a great “I hate my ex” song. Haha
But then again, maybe it’s good to be non-pissed. It’s supposed to be a fun, happy bar, anyway!
I feel love, now. I’m happy.
I have no clue where I’ll end up. I have no idea how I’m going to pay the rent in the next several months, but I’m happy, right now, in this moment.
I still hold trust that I’m on the path that is meant for me and I’m meant to be exactly where I am, right now.