May 10, 2010

Monday, May 10, 2010

NOTES FROM: “The Intimacy Factor,” by Pia Mellody

The neglected or abandoned child becomes the Lost Child.

The falsely empowered child plays the role of Hero or Heroine.

The covertly abused and falsely empowered child becomes the Scapegoat.

Can a person feel like all three? In relationships with other human beings, I seem to alternate between the Lost Child, Heroine, and Scapegoat.

“wall of fear”—boundary turns into a wall.

raging parent

closeness = wounded

“…the child is learning that to be relational is to risk annihilation.”

boundaryless behavior of rage, learned from raging parent

I feel like I’m not worthy of a caring relationship. Plus, I’m still so damn needy. How can I stop being so needy? Aren’t I already caring for myself?

“child learns that to be relational is enervating.” (deprived of strength, energy)

How, after all the healing I thought I’ve done, do I still struggle with thoughts of being worthless? I feel ashamed to be me, and ashamed of fucking up all my relationships. I feel inherently defective.

AFRAID OF DIGGING MORE INTO THE PAST

For a therapy assignment, I’m supposed to be writing a letter and then a reply to my inner child, asking her about my dad. But I am paralyzed by fear. I don’t want to do it alone. My dad is such a terrifying monster that the pain would be unbearable. I fear literally dying from the pain that could be brought up from such a letter exchange. Yet I think I need to do it alone, right? No one can do it but me. But still, it would be really nice if someone could gently hold my hand as I explore the dangerous past.

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