Thursday, May 13, 2010
GETTING CONFIRMATION OF HOW I FEEL, THROUGH UNEXPECTED PERSON
Sometimes I don’t realize what I need, but then after I receive it, I think, “Damn, I really needed that!”
Today, that kind of thing happened. Someone I haven’t mentioned before is Dr. S, from the company I used to work for. He left a message today on my house phone‘s answering machine. He found out I was no longer there [See post about being fired.] and wanted to make sure I was ok.
I hesitated calling him back because I was scared that he’d be on the side of Upper Management, but I quickly discovered that he knew exactly what I’d experienced there because he’d been through similar stuff!
The company is really messed up, and he was able to validate my feelings and experiences. He encouraged me and I no longer doubt my perceptions of what went on there.
I really needed that conversation. I think he was the perfect person to talk to about the company.
I’m gradually moving away from thinking that “I am the problem” to knowing and realizing that the company, my parents, my abusers—they were the ones that were fucked up. I can feel my self esteem rising. Sometimes it’s really good to hear from another that I am a good person.
He described me as a “healthy” person! I am excited. Maybe I am finally getting healthy and mature. The negative voice in my head was the only thing stopping me from seeing it.
Talking to Dr. S today was like taking a drink of a nice glass of water, after being out for a few days in the hot sun.
WANTING TO STAND UP FOR MYSELF
I used to get so mad when people at my ex-husband’s work would walk on him or treat him without respect. [Note: He worked at McDonald’s during high school and college; I joined him there for a few months after we started dating.]
I was angry that he didn’t kick the shit out of them… or at least stand up for himself.
Was I just projecting, when I got angry? Maybe what was really going on was that I was pissed about not having a voice in childhood and being vulnerable and unable to stick up for myself against my parental dictators.
KL WAS A SUBCONSCIOUS “EXIT STRATEGY”
“When you start a new relationship [KL] before you have ended another [Matt, ex-husband], then you are likely using the new relationship to get out of the original one, an exit strategy that is manipulative and therefore non-relational.”
I think that I subconsciously chose a relationship with KL so that I could escape Matt.
QUESTIONING THE ANON GROUPS, QUESTIONING ADDICTION
Tonight’s meeting: SLAA (women only).
I went to an SLAA meeting tonight. I haven’t been there in a while. Sometimes I go back, hoping that I’ll get a sense of belonging, but recently the more I go back, the less I feel like I belong. Same with the SAA meetings. It’s just filled with people who have trouble with Acting Out and don’t change and heal and grow. Maybe they’re just on a different healing path than I am.
I don’t know, man… I really don’t think I’m an addict. Therapy and self help books and writing seems to be working for me. I think the 12-Step program isn’t really my thing. And that’s ok. I need to do what feels right for me. I’ve just been going to the meetings to try and make some friends. I’d like a support group. I wish I could meet more people who have already gone ahead of me in the healing process.
The 12-Step groups are starting to feel like that other Child Abuse Survivors group from meetup.com—I’m outgrowing it, similar to how a toddler outgrows diapers. It just doesn’t feel like the SLAA women are healthy—they’re still kind of acting out. …Am I acting out too? I don’t think I am.