May 15, 2010

Saturday, May 15, 2010

Had a lot of fun last night with Sammie’s wife and her friends. Saw Sammie at the piano bar. Feeling less of an automatic urge to sleep with him. I really want to be a good, honest friend—to both of them.

I’m feeling better about myself.

Sammie says that he and his wife like me very much, and “welcome to our dysfunctional group!” Haha


I like the sensation of being drunk and having others look out for me and take care of me…

I like the feeling of being cared about, by friends.


Biggest challenges right now:

  • isolating when I’m feeling down; fear of intimacy.
  • building feelings of worth, to combat suicidal fantasies.
  • each time I try to stop eating pizza, soon I start thinking about it again and eventually, I break down and eat a big pizza, and then I feel immense guilt, shame, and worthlessness.
  • I’ve been obsessing about how much food I eat, ever since last Fall when I really stepped-up my healing efforts—in therapy,* I’m still digging up the past and I’m attempting to stop bad habits in relationships with others. Running away when people get too close; obsessing about the other person to the point where I give up my life and adapt to doing the things that make them happy.

*[Note about therapy: My health insurance ran out at the end of April 2009, so I began paying out of my pocket for occasional therapy sessions.]


Sammie’s boss was at the dueling piano bar, playing tonight, Saturday.

On his break, he came over and said hi to us (the gals). He came up behind me and rubbed my shoulders for a brief moment. I turned around and said Hi. I was smiling—very drunk!

I’m used to being touched like that. I think it had a semi-sexual or attraction quality to the touch. As he was saying hi to everyone else at the table, I briefly turned back to sip my drink. He touched me again. It wasn’t abusive. But he certainly wouldn’t have touched a guy that way.

I think I froze and “left my body” for those moments. I realized it, though. I still freeze up. Not sure what to do. So I just smile, laugh, and play along.

Part of me, however, misses human touch, but it somehow only seems like I mostly get touch in sexual ways. Or else impersonal handshakes and quick, polite hugs.


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