May 22, 2010

Saturday, May 22, 2010


[Note: A group met at a woman’s house and she told us about the Law of Attraction, and then we did an exercise where we write about our life as if we are living a year from now. I’d found this group through]

It is May 2011. In the past year, I’ve gotten a new dog. His name is Butch and he is a Great Dane. His fur is really red. He is very friendly—like a gentle giant. I found him in the forest around the house. He’d been hanging out for a while. I asked around if anyone had lost a dog. No one claimed him, so I took him in. He and my cat sleep cuddled together. He stays in the yard. He goes hiking with me. He doesn’t run away. He goes inside the house, too.

I have a boyfriend. He looks like John Lennon. He’s very intelligent and he cares about me. I met him at work.


I question whether the dueling piano bar is good for me. Sometimes I compare my body to the skinnier, more attractive females who work there. But more importantly, I still desire Sammie’s attention, approval, and affection, no matter how hard I try to ignore the desires or talk my self out of it, or convince myself otherwise.

Should I even be his friend? I feel like my thoughts betray a possible friendship with his wife, and I feel guilty, because I really like her and enjoy her company.

I question if I should be friends with these two, and hang around them. Is Sammie an untreated Sex addict? The dueling piano bar turns people—especially women—into sex objects.

I’m sad. Lonely. I really thought I was gonna get some deep friends. Maybe I still can, but my silly mind is ruining it. Obsession with getting attention from guys is my #1 struggle. If it goes on and on, then suicidal thoughts are my #2 struggle.

Maybe I need a long or semi-long break from the bar, as well as Sammie (and unfortunately his wife, since they’re often together).

I’m not sure what to do. I may skip their Memorial Day party.


I was doing great, today. I met a guy from SAA and two of his friends at the piano bar tonight. We had a lot of fun, but when they left and I stayed, I felt triggered—abandonment issues. I was sad the rest of the night.

Maybe that is why I looked to Sammie for attention and felt even worse when he didn’t give it to me. Ironically, I don’t give him much attention, either. I try hard as hell to keep my distance and not get too close or attached to him. He can never be a close friend—just an acquaintance. I’m not sure if I can ever be “close friends” with any guy, really.


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