May 23, 2010

Sunday, May 23, 2010

I feel restless. Pacing the apartment. Trying to take deep breaths to calm myself. Fidgety.

Right now, I struggle with an intense desire to receive attention, affection, and approval from men. I search for these things in men who are unable to give me these things, for one reason or another. Yet I still cling to the hope that one day, these men will change and give me these things—just like how, as a child, I’d hoped my dad would change and give me those things.

Ironically, due to my fear of intimacy, I am hesitant to give attention, affection and approval to men. Or sometimes I fake it, to manipulate them, so I can get it in return (a subconscious process).

I think the key here is to just focus on giving myself love, attention, affection, and approval.

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