June 2, 2010

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Yesterday and today, I felt the desire to have sex. Not with anyone in particular.

I feel ashamed to have sexual desire. I still hold the beliefs that sex is bad and sex is dirty. I’m still unsure what is normal and healthy sexual behavior.

Every once in a while, I struggle against sexual thoughts (brief fantasy glimpses that last half a second) that involve any guys I happen to be friends with. Currently, that guy is Sammie, even though I do not really desire a sexual relationship with him at all.

Masturbation is out of the question—I don’t like the feeling. It’s gross. Plus, for whatever reason, I feel like I’m being violated and abused when I masturbate.

I guess I just like the visualization and fantasy in my mind. But whenever those pop into my mind, I am extremely quick to push it away, because from SLAA and SAA, I’ve learned that sexual fantasy is bad.


Sexual Anorexia, by Dr. Carnes.

Beyond Codependency, by Melody Beattie.

I started to read a little of both. I felt sick, then. I feel so dysfunctional and damaged. Unfixable. 😦

Still the question remains: How does a single person (not in a relationship) tell if he/she is sexually anorexic?


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