Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Yesterday and today, I felt the desire to have sex. Not with anyone in particular.
I feel ashamed to have sexual desire. I still hold the beliefs that sex is bad and sex is dirty. I’m still unsure what is normal and healthy sexual behavior.
Every once in a while, I struggle against sexual thoughts (brief fantasy glimpses that last half a second) that involve any guys I happen to be friends with. Currently, that guy is Sammie, even though I do not really desire a sexual relationship with him at all.
Masturbation is out of the question—I don’t like the feeling. It’s gross. Plus, for whatever reason, I feel like I’m being violated and abused when I masturbate.
I guess I just like the visualization and fantasy in my mind. But whenever those pop into my mind, I am extremely quick to push it away, because from SLAA and SAA, I’ve learned that sexual fantasy is bad.
NEW BOOKS IN THE MAIL
Sexual Anorexia, by Dr. Carnes.
Beyond Codependency, by Melody Beattie.
I started to read a little of both. I felt sick, then. I feel so dysfunctional and damaged. Unfixable. 😦
Still the question remains: How does a single person (not in a relationship) tell if he/she is sexually anorexic?