Wednesday, June 9, 2010
I think these are the reasons why I’ve been getting drunk recently:
A few weeks ago, when I got drunk while hanging out with Sammie’s wife and her friends, I felt like they took care of me. When a guy stranger came over and wanted us to get on stage and dance because we were pretty, the gals got me to sit back down and not go up there. I felt important, worthy of love, and felt cared for, by the gals.
If I’m sober, there’s no reason for them to take care of me.
Even Sammie takes care of me—that illusion of “fatherly love” is tempting. I want to keep getting drunk so they’ll like me, love me, take care of me, show me affection. I want those things dearly.
I get love from myself, but it also feels so good to get those feelings from others.
Today, I’ve made a commitment to stop drinking. Stop getting drunk. Stop being unable to drive home, just so I can spend a little more time with Sammie and his wife at their house.
I wonder if we’ll still hang out as friends? Will they want me in their lives, still? Or is this YET ANOTHER group of friends that I’m going to cycle through in a matter of months?
I wish I could find a group of kindred spirits. I wish I wasn’t so codependent—I tend to do what the people around me want me to do. I probably would not have drank alcohol if I wasn’t hanging around them. But maybe I can build stronger boundaries and stay sober.
Perhaps I am trying to recreate and resolve childhood traumas by putting myself in a vulnerable, flimsy, drunk, “childlike” state, except this time, I’ll be taken care of (instead of abused or neglected) by a new “father figure”—Sammie. Except, he’s an alcoholic and probably entirely NOT emotionally available at all.
I need to find friends who are able and willing to open up and share.
I still have zero motivation for getting a job.
I even feel too lazy to go out and get food.
SAME OLD QUESTION: AM I AN ADDICT?
I’m slowly accepting the idea that I’m an addict.
A switch addict or whatever it’s called.
Feels hopeless. I want to give up.
Thoughts of cutting myself.
Sleeping pills and never waking up.
Will-power isn’t working.
If I’m an addict, then the people I attract as friends, and boyfriends, will also be addicts [thinking of the Law of Attraction; “birds of a feather flock together]. So I’ll never get to have close friendships because addicts aren’t capable of emotional intimacy.
I’m so fucking bored.
Not even motivation to volunteer at an animal shelter.
I just feel like giving up.
But I guess my cat needs to be fed. [meaning: I can’t kill myself because then there’d be no one to take care of my cat.]
If I had to choose between being overweight or underweight, I’d choose underweight any day. It’s more acceptable and desirable by our culture.