June 10, 2010

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I feel lonely at night, if I’m not hanging out with people. I don’t like feeling lonely. 😦

Sometimes I feel so hopeless. Like there’s no hope for me getting any healthier—like I’ll always be dysfunctional, injured, hurt, and sick in the head.

I’m trying to love myself anyway, regardless. But who else could or would love me?

I still feel unlovable. What can finally make me feel lovable? Just more inner work and confidence?

I feel tired of living. Sick of being alive. …Thoughts of cutting myself. My cat was playing and accidentally scratched my arm. For the first time, that pain feels good to me.

A LITTLE BOOST

I had a good lunch conversation with Dr. S, from the place where I used to work. He always boosts my self-esteem and confidence, although his religious push is a little annoying. But my spiritual boundaries have become strong. What I believe is right for me.

OVER THE EDGE

I am not responsible for Maddie.

She is in charge of herself—not me. She tries to put her life in my hands. I am now giving it back. Take back your life, Maddie. It belongs to you. I am NOT responsible for you. YOU are responsible for your life and your healing. I’m not in charge of you and I don’t have to listen to your shit on the phone. Go away, you crazy psycho.

I’m so pissed. I feel like crying. So fucking angry at her.

She triggered something in me, but I’m not sure what.

I feel like she’s trying to force a relationship on me. I hate being forced. I want her to disappear from my life forever.

She’s trying to make me into a half-sponsor, half-therapist. Asking me what she should do.

I want her to die—that’s what I want her to do. But of course I can’t tell her that.

I am going to let her therapist handle her.

If she calls again, I will say, “Maddie, I’m not your therapist, not your sponsor, and not your friend. Please stop calling me.”

NOT TRUSTING THE COMPLIMENTS

When she gives me compliments, it’s to manipulate me into staying with her.

“I’m so proud of you.” ????

How could she be proud of me? She doesn’t even know what I’ve been through. She doesn’t even know me! That’s how I know it’s fake.

Those are just the words she wishes she would hear from her parents and she’s fucking projecting them onto me.

Well, I refuse to be part of that, anymore.

TRYING TO CALM DOWN

I took care of myself right now:

  • hot shower
  • relaxing music
  • memory of funny scenes from Shrek—the sensation of laughing aloud helped calm me

TRYING TO ANALYZE WHAT’S GOING ON

There’s a reason Maddie is in my life. I can learn from this situation.

If my anger at her is “through the roof,” then perhaps I am seeing behavior in her that I am ashamed to also see in myself. My “darker” side. [See “Shadow Work” post.]

  • she said we’ll be best friends
  • complimenting my progress, “proud of me,” when she barely knows me
  • projecting what she wishes her parents were like, what she wishes they’d say and do, onto me

Am I currently treating anyone this way?

Am I projecting my father onto Sammie?

I was already annoyed, this evening, after hearing one of the meetup girls preach about child slavery. I wish she’d shut up. I don’t like hearing people preaching, where they just go on and on and don’t stop. Ugh. Dr. S was almost like that today, as well. I’m sick of people preaching. I wish they’d keep their beliefs to themselves, or else just casually mention it—not go on and on and on and on and omg on. Shut up! Jesus.

Anyway, about Maddie, I might be triggered by something back in childhood.

She strikes a horrible-sounding chord with me.

I feel like I have no choice, no say. She uses me for venting. She doesn’t ask about me and I resent the relationship not being equal, even though I don’t want to tell her anything personal because I don’t trust her. At all. Too many red flags.

AM I INVISIBLE?

She just vents and goes on and on. She doesn’t even listen to anything that I say. She makes up in her head that I’m her best friend or something. She hears what she wants and makes it up and then “feels” a connection to me, but it’s all her fantasy in her head. She’s ignoring me.

Ah, neglect. I’m very sensitive to that.

Talking to her is like talking to my dad—neither of them pay attention to who I am and they don’t appear to authentically care about me. Any “caring” is just an illusion so they can get what they want from me. I resent my dad for that and it’s repeating again in these awkward phone calls with Maddie. I haven’t called her once, since we met [she always called me on the phone].

I need to cut this off. I’m thankful for the lessons I’ve learned about myself, but I deserve better. I deserve friends who are genuinely interested in me and who don’t just use me for their own agenda, or to prove a point they believe, or to complete a fantasy.

I deserve true friendships. I will not be used. I deserve to have people in my life who care about me, are mature and healthy, and not like Maddie.

WHAT’S THE PLAN?

Ok, so she triggers the “neglect issue.” What do I do, from here? I know she’ll eventually call again… how do I handle the next phone call? Maybe I don’t need to explain. Maybe just tell her that I’m not interested in being friends and then say goodbye.

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