June 14, 2010

Monday, June 14, 2010

I’m still not really close to any friends. I can’t allow closeness to a guy—not even Sammie. A friendship with him needs a line to be drawn. The line is already there: we acknowledge that we’ve had “similar struggles” in the past, but we can’t share details. We have similar personalities, but we won’t get close.

I won’t risk intimacy because he’s a married man and therefore “emotionally unavailable.” He may also be that because he is an alcoholic. I don’t want to get caught up with having a friend who is an untreated alcoholic.

SEARCHING FOR BELONGING

I’m still looking for a place to belong. Searching for over 10 years and not quite finding it. I see illusions—like “water” in the desert. I get excited that I’ve finally found the water, but upon further inspection, it turns out that the water isn’t there.

I’m not sure if I really belong with Sammie and his wife’s group of friends. The only things we appear to have in common are drinking. Now that I’ve decided not to drink, the gap appears to be widening.

When will I finally feel like I fit in?

Why is belonging so important to me?

Why do I want friendship so badly?

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