June 16, 2010 (hired as a taxi driver)

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I have a great desire to attract guys and then reject them. I try to get rid of this desire. Traces of it are still present and might be the reason why I haven’t found any dates. Or one of the reasons.

It was strong, last September [2009]. I was rejected by KL [ex-boyfriend] for almost the entire duration of the relationship. Then, I was rejected by Kevin [former sex partner].

I was so tired of being rejected that I got online and attracted guys only for the purpose of rejecting them [this was a subconscious process; I wasn’t aware of what I was doing]. Sex was the way I attracted them.

They were easily disposable, objectified.

Then, the tables had turned.

Even now, in the Singles groups on Meetup, I feel underlying anger at men, in general. I have to bite my tongue to avoid lashing out at guys who show interest in me. No one is attractive to me. It’s just creepy old guys. All guys over 40 or 50 are “creepy,” to me.

It almost feels like it would bring me pleasure to yell at them, make fun of something about them (mocking their age would be easiest) and reject them.

[Note: And speaking of rejection… “Brain treats rejection like physical pain say scientists: Human brain treats rejection in a similar way to the way it processes pain.”]

It almost makes me feel powerful and not so vulnerable.

I didn’t care about sex. It was all about revenge, to those who hurt me—men. All men. Strangers.

HIRED!

A local taxi cab company hired me. Wasn’t really an interview. Just casual talk and a background check and a drug test. Those together are probably the sign of a good-natured person, right? 🙂 I’m happy.

[Note: This job only lasted a few weekends. I found myself enjoying talking with passengers, but I didn’t like how they were treated by other cab drivers—basically just seen as money, instead of being seen as human beings with feelings. The other cab drivers didn’t even refer to the customers as people, just “fares.” Like, “I’ve gotta go; I got a fare to pick up.” And it wasn’t practical to spend time with customers, or go at a steady, calmer pace. If I wanted to make money to pay for the cab rental and insurance (let alone money for ME for basic living such as food and rent!), I needed to just pick up people who are likely to give me a lot of money and do it fast, barely spending any time to say hello or goodbye. During the job, I found that I enjoyed giving free rides to people in emergency: a group of young women stranded on the freeway due to a flat tire, for example. I wish I could have done it for free, or at least not be under so much pressure to have so many “fares” just to pay the cab rental bills and the cost of living.]

DESCRIBE YOUR “TYPE”: WHO DO I WANT TO ATTRACT?

  • emotionally available
  • has done similar family-of-origin healing work
  • can understand much of my past
  • single, not hung up on his ex
  • capable of (and willing to have) emotional intimacy
  • willing to take things slow and not demand sex
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