August 18, 2010

August 18, 2010

DREAM

Packing the car for a road trip.

Packing the car for a road trip. (Photo credit: andhij)

With ex-husband. Actually, I think it was my dad.

Again, annoying sexual undertones. Makes me fucking sick.

Anyway, we had just packed up and begun to travel across the country to live in a new location.

Travel at night because too hot during day.

I rearranged things into trunk of car—amazingly, it fit in the trunk! So, plenty of room left in car so no strangers would peek in and steal anything.

Dad (fuck, I hate that word) wanted to swim in hot tub. He accidentally looked for our room on wrong floor. Offices and employees. One guy led us to the floor above.

Playing blues music, near hot tub.

Ready to leave again.

Cheap $ room.

DREAM

Valentine's Day card from Azure!

Valentine’s Day card from Azure! (Photo credit: Bibi the Bird)

I wanted guys to notice me and have sex with me. The circumstances didn’t quite work out.

Later, big event (grandma’s house?). Lots of guys there. They wrote lots of funny, creative Valentine’s cards for me.

I waved my sister over and included her, so she didn’t feel left out. So the cards were to “us.”

HEALING NEEDED, BUT RUNNING OUT OF IDEAS

I need to heal the sexual part of me.

I’m not sure what else to do. I’ve gone to therapy. I’ve dug up the past. I’ve discussed it. I’ve worked to change the negative beliefs from childhood. I’ve raised my self-esteem. I’ve done “inner child” work. I’ve read so many books about healing trauma and on topics of sexuality. I’ve done workshops. I’ve attended over 100 Sex Addicts Anonymous groups, as well as 5 different other types of Anon groups. I’ve done meditations on chakras, including the sexuality chakra.

[For reference, search my blog for posts on SAA. My first SAA meeting was in October 2009.]

…maybe try Reiki a second time, but with someone else?

I don’t know what else to do.

I CHOSE THIS?

I “chose to incarnate into and animate a most sophisticated bio-machine / carbon-based physical vehicle” because I know exactly how to use it (or “drive” it). I know everything this vehicle is capable of doing and that is one of the reasons I chose to volunteer to come here. YouTube video quote from Arcturian Star’s channel.

ASKING FOR HELP

I’m so fucking sick of having sexual dreams. I wish I didn’t have this thing called “sexuality.”

I guess I have to ask for precisely what I want. Maybe I was thinking that I’d be given what I wanted, automatically?

I ask to understand the sexual dreams involving my dad. I wish to heal from the pain that comes with it. Please help me, spirit guides.

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