Still searching, yet still feeling suicidal

December 8, 2010

Trip to a different city, north of the capital city. Nice area but I don’t want to work. It is like killing myself slowly from the inside. How can I put myself in that situation?

Yet, how can I not [work]? How can I live without money, or without someone else’s money?

Not on this planet.

Should I still reach for my dreams? Or just give up and just force myself to be happy with what I have?

I am torn between waiting for what I want, and settling for what is currently available (which is depressingly much less than what I’d hoped for). I have 2-3 months’ worth of rent left. Time—and money—is running out. I see no options… except to live homeless out of my car, or to sell my soul to the Working World in order to pay rent. If I choose the latter, I fear I may finally pull the trigger. I own a rifle now, after all. I can really kill myself now. And homeless? What kind of pathetic life is that? …Especially for my cat!


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