Monday, March 21, 2011 [Thoughts from May 2014 are included in brackets; when I typed this into this blog.]
My sister was upset that I blocked her from viewing my Facebook “wall” online.
She asked if I’d blocked, and I responded (via email): “Yes.”
[Note: The lovely thing about a blog is that I have freedom to explain myself and I’d like to take a moment to do that, now. Building up to this event, I felt like I had been lying, lying, lying. All the time. Just to keep her happy, so I wouldn’t hurt her feelings. Faking interest in whatever she was talking about, and withholding the issues I really wanted to talk about, just so she wouldn’t get upset. But I can only keep awkward smiles towards someone for so long before it drives me insane; the stress of leading that kind of a life is way too much.
In that moment of her question, I needed to make a choice: Would I continue to lie and betray my own self? No, I didn’t want to do that anymore. I didn’t want to lie to her or to myself anymore. This time, I was going to start telling her the truth, even if her feelings ended up being hurt by it. I was slowly realizing that I couldn’t control how she felt anyway. Things were awkward between us since day one, and that awkwardness began in early childhood I’m sure.
So I made the decision to be honest to her. No more lies. My desire to be truthful now out-weighed my desire to “keep the peace” and “don’t rock the boat.” Additionally, when/if she asks me questions about why I did that on Facebook, I was prepared to tell the truth. Unfortunately, she never asked the question “why” and once again I felt misunderstood. I was so tired and exhausted from that, so I just gave up; I didn’t want to fight anymore. I gave up and let the relationship go.]
She replied (and it seemed that there was bitterness in her words) that she’s glad I found people I could relate to (it wasn’t sincere-sounding, to me) and she’ll let me know when I’m welcome in her home again. She added that she’ll be sending me peace and love [a little condescending?], but in my opinion, she may not yet be capable of that—at least not pure and sincerely.
Her hidden anger and bitterness has been repelling me, like insect repellent for mosquitoes. I feel the need to detox my mind and energy field when I go to visit her [as if it was a subtlety toxic atmosphere slowly poisoning me—not noticeable each time, but noticeable over longer periods of time].
If her higher self requires my assistance with healing (especially issues concerning dad), I will be available, but she needs to be the one to come to me. I know that healing cannot be rushed; it can take several years, or decades. My reason for coming back to this US state is now to be explored. My sister was the catalyst and now I may be finding my destiny here.
[Note: My experiences with the Anonymous groups gave me the ability to detect suffering and pain in another’s person’s words, even if they lie and say that everything is ok. I detected pain when my sister described an event in 2010, when our dad came to her house and knocked on the door. She peeked out the window and saw it was him. She took her newborn baby upstairs and kind of just “hid” from him, without answering the door. He eventually left. It was this story that made me realize I was needed back here in the midwest, to help her heal from pain caused by dad. Since I’d gone through so much healing in therapy and in the Anon groups, I assumed I could help.
When I told my sister that the reason I came back to this US state was to help her heal pain or issues caused by our dad, she seemed highly offended by this and denied it. It made me question my ability to detect pain in others; I was confused because I’ve always been so good at it with all other people. Perhaps she was lying to herself? Or too embarrassed to admit pain because it might be seen at “weakness?”
I know this: My intuition is very rarely wrong; in fact, I’d go so far as to say that it is never wrong and I’m generally very good at “reading between the lines” in other people. I’ll attribute that to my Scorpio Moon—that’s an astrology reference, for those who don’t know.]
I’m not angry at all at her. Not bitter. Not resentful. Not confused, because I understand where she is coming from, since I’ve been there before, too. But people with unaddressed anger repel me now. I wish to surround myself with people who are brave enough to look inside and are on their healing paths, instead of ignoring their pain, as I think my sister does.
But again, I hold no ill will towards her. I just don’t trust her, based on the “vibes,” feelings, energy, etc., and also how she speaks about others (especially her friends) behind their backs.
I know that everything has a reason—especially as we grow closer to 2012. [At this point, I still believed in the “2012 hype.”] Now I continue on, with loving the Earth, inviting life to live in balance and harmony in a loving way on Earth, and tending to my garden. I hope to have only a part-time job (not full-time) at the gardening center across the street, so I can spend time with my garden and selling the produce. Today, I found out that one of the bigger grocery stores also take in local farmers’ produce and sell it for them. I thought about selling some items there, but ideally, I like the pick-your-own-produce idea because that would be the freshest-tasting. I’m very excited!
Tonight’s meditation was amazing! I think the meditations are getting stronger for me.