Seeking advice on feeling lovable and worthy (and seeing family members as such)

Bashar’s advice (through Darryl Anka) has been great for me and helped me to live a much better life (internally, especially. Like, in my mind and heart). Bashar suggests (and I’ve found this to be true so far) that the negative beliefs about ourselves will never be really found to be true, if we dig a little and look at them.

Most things I can solve on my own by just thinking things through, but now I feel stuck on something and I thought it would be a good idea to ask the WordPress community about it.

I’ve been watching seasons one and two of Breaking Bad (Netflix series) and I find myself feeling uncomfortable watching the relationship between the two sisters because it reminds me of my own life. I feel like the pregnant one could be my sister and the other would be me (although I do not feel compelled to steal).

I currently do not talk to any family members (blood/biological) or their relatives. I feel like I need to hide myself from family members for some reason, as if it’s completely dangerous to be honest with them; I feel compelled to lie to, say, my sister, and keep some shallow façade of happiness and “everything’s ok” (or at least I did in the past, when I had contact with any of them). Whenever I tried to be honest, it seemed to cause negative effects.

I have the idea that if I show them my true self, then I (and they) will find out what a horrible, bad, evil, worthless and unlovable person I really am.

The question I then posed to myself is: How can I show myself (and maintain the belief) that I am actually the opposite—lovable, worthy, good, nice, whole, peaceful? I feel like I am already these things, but when I start thinking about family members, it’s easy to forget.

Then I had the idea: Maybe I can work backwards. If others are a reflection of me, then maybe I can switch to seeing/believing that they are not horrible and evil—no one is. (I can label everything as positive, no matter what it looks like on the surface.) Since my family is a reflection of me, I can use that reflection to then think and believe those same positive things about myself.

And it works! …For about 5 minutes. Then my mind (for reasons I don’t yet consciously understand) goes back into fear. I find myself obsessively thinking about them some days, and not thinking about them other days. I don’t really grasp why I forget the positive person I want to be and I feel ugly and bad, and ashamed and embarrassed. I don’t understand why all of my wonderful, new, positive views slip away when it comes to family members. Why is it difficult to maintain? What am I missing, here?

Additionally, since the family members are not in my life anymore (except in my head), it should actually be quite easy to change the way I view them, because they are not here to contradict me. The only thing contradicting me is myself, my mind, my memories.

I know I haven’t given much information in this post, but based on what you’ve just read, what do you think?

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