Seeking advice on feeling lovable and worthy (and seeing family members as such)

Bashar’s advice (through Darryl Anka) has been great for me and helped me to live a much better life (internally, especially. Like, in my mind and heart). Bashar suggests (and I’ve found this to be true so far) that the negative beliefs about ourselves will never be really found to be true, if we dig a little and look at them.

Most things I can solve on my own by just thinking things through, but now I feel stuck on something and I thought it would be a good idea to ask the WordPress community about it.

I’ve been watching seasons one and two of Breaking Bad (Netflix series) and I find myself feeling uncomfortable watching the relationship between the two sisters because it reminds me of my own life. I feel like the pregnant one could be my sister and the other would be me (although I do not feel compelled to steal).

I currently do not talk to any family members (blood/biological) or their relatives. I feel like I need to hide myself from family members for some reason, as if it’s completely dangerous to be honest with them; I feel compelled to lie to, say, my sister, and keep some shallow façade of happiness and “everything’s ok” (or at least I did in the past, when I had contact with any of them). Whenever I tried to be honest, it seemed to cause negative effects.

I have the idea that if I show them my true self, then I (and they) will find out what a horrible, bad, evil, worthless and unlovable person I really am.

The question I then posed to myself is: How can I show myself (and maintain the belief) that I am actually the opposite—lovable, worthy, good, nice, whole, peaceful? I feel like I am already these things, but when I start thinking about family members, it’s easy to forget.

Then I had the idea: Maybe I can work backwards. If others are a reflection of me, then maybe I can switch to seeing/believing that they are not horrible and evil—no one is. (I can label everything as positive, no matter what it looks like on the surface.) Since my family is a reflection of me, I can use that reflection to then think and believe those same positive things about myself.

And it works! …For about 5 minutes. Then my mind (for reasons I don’t yet consciously understand) goes back into fear. I find myself obsessively thinking about them some days, and not thinking about them other days. I don’t really grasp why I forget the positive person I want to be and I feel ugly and bad, and ashamed and embarrassed. I don’t understand why all of my wonderful, new, positive views slip away when it comes to family members. Why is it difficult to maintain? What am I missing, here?

Additionally, since the family members are not in my life anymore (except in my head), it should actually be quite easy to change the way I view them, because they are not here to contradict me. The only thing contradicting me is myself, my mind, my memories.

I know I haven’t given much information in this post, but based on what you’ve just read, what do you think?

My solution to the “Gypsy/Rom beggar problem”

Allow the gypsies/rom to make their own decisions. Their experiences and perspectives are valid; otherwise they wouldn’t exist. If I have an interaction with them that causes me to have emotional experiences that I don’t prefer, then ask myself: What do I have to believe about myself in relation to this situation (or a person or life in general) is true, in order to feel what I’m feeling? It’s likely that I’ll uncover a negative belief about myself that is not true.

This is inspired by Bashar (not the politician from the Middle East, but rather Darryl Anka) and I feel like this currently works for me.
Bashar home page link.
Wikipedia link.

I am sharing it so that you can see this as one possible option for you to consider.

SOME BACKGROUND INFO

After moving from the United States to Europe, I was unsure about how to handle or deal with the sight of, and interactions with, beggars who come mostly from Romania.

I’d not been satisfied with other solutions I’d come up with over the past one and a half year. My obsessive thoughts would include gentler, kinder actions such as teaching them English or giving them educational/skill books in the Romanian language; unfortunately my imagination would include more violent thoughts, as well, which would merely result in me feeling annoyed and guilty.

My ideas, however, would always include some kind of arrogant element of the idea that their lifestyle is not ok and they need to change their lives into something that I believe is more suitable for modern/western society. My fantasies of “helping” them often snow-balled into me being some type of parent or babysitter, taking over their lives for them like a well-intentioned dictator because of a belief that they are incapable of living a proper life… whatever that meant.

Eventually, I concluded: Instead of trying to heal them, why not heal myself, instead? That’s kind of one of the ideas behind that first paragraph, up there. Now I feel more free and relaxed; not so stressed-out.

BRINGIN’ SPIRITUALITY BACK

Since moving to Europe in 2013, I’d emptied out the box in my brain that was labeled: new age ideas, spirituality and conspiracy theories (yes, they were all lumped together). I’d decided that I was done with all of it. I attempted to fill that box with scientific and rational ideas, but I found myself lacking the spiritual component that I used to have, say, 5-6 years ago, with the starseed / light-worker meditation group.

In January or February 2015, I couldn’t take any more of the angry, frustrated, empty feelings and I wandered back to some YouTube clips of Bashar. What he said made a lot of sense and I figured that as long as these spiritual beliefs bring joy and purpose, and aren’t telling me to go out and murder others, then what does it matter if it is seen as silly or crazy to others? The experience of joy, love, and moving closer to being my authentic, happy self, is real and it gives me a better life.

FINAL WORDS

When you have emotional experiences that you don’t prefer, ask: What do I have to believe about myself, in relation to this situation (or this person, or life in general), is true, in order to feel what I’m feeling? It’s likely that you’ll discover a negative belief about yourself that is not actually true.